Lost, found and lost

I missed you.

I cried for you.

I searched for you.

I prayed you were searching too.

I cried in the dark for an angel.

I sobbed and hid when you weren't there.

I thought I deserved this pain, I thought it was fair.

Then I found you, and you found me.

Our hearts connected, as only blood can.

Our souls clung to eachothere, and every memory surfaced. 

You gave me your sweater, and it smells like you, and cigarettes. 

I miss you tonight, in a way I never thought I'd miss you. 

I thought this dream was a fantasy. 

It's real, and I am afraid.

This is about my brothers, but especially one of them, it was just so... Perfect. I face timed him today, and after he went to bed I cried. I've lived my life accepting this as an imposibility, and yet here he is one day. And he was everything I dreamed, and he is so amazing (they all are, but this is specific) and he has reached so many of his goals.  I am wearing his Sweatshirt, remembering his arms around me and the way my fear had been swept out in that moment I knew his heart. I am smelling his cigarette smoke, and remembering our trip to church and how he had gone because I wanted to go and been uncomfortable but not told me, how I knew and we left early.  I am smelling his cologne he uses to cover up and mask the smoke, and remembering how he walked into my house for the first time and flopped onto the couch, and it just felt natural, right.  I am honored to have met both of them, I am happy to connect, but I always knew my brother was my best friend in the whole world and that was instant.  It just happened, we fit like puzzle pieces that found a match. I instantly felt protected, safe and I knew I was in the presence of my big brother.  It was instinct. It is instinct. When he went home I processed for days, but today I miss him something extra.  I feel like I found him just to lose him, and I understand completely, I don't get another childhood, but I want to badly to have run screaming to my brother and not the abusive piece of shit who raised my sister's and I. 

The holidays are always hard, but this year is better and harder all at once.

Poetry Before we return to the book

Dear me,
The one I have survived through
The pain I have denied through
The sad, sad deceit I  have,
buried
In you

Dear me,
The one who cried to sleep her
Restless brain when her
Dreams were buried in fear
And who never knew love existed
I Love you

Dear me,
the one I worship through
The one God speaks clearly to
The one who is healing through
All the broken pieces I was
Thank you

God is my savior
God sent his son
thousands of years later
He still lives on

Unlike the idols
And deities of the past
What he prophesied Always
Came to pass.

Der God,
If I am not meant to see your angels
Why do they appear before my eyes
If I am not meant to see his demons
Why do I see them undisguised
I need you

Dear God,
Why do I feel abandoned
Though I know that you are near
Why do I hear angels in heaven
Their voices loud and clear
I love you

Dear God,
I hear the angels speak
I hear the demons weep
I hear your son cry out
I see him clearly
I believe you

God is my savior
God sent his son
thousands of years later
He still lives on

Unlike the idols
And deities of the past
What he prophesied Always
Came to pass.

healing words-hope

Days:

Some days are like wells, the longer I stare into them the longer I wonder how far I can

 fall. Some days the darkness wants to swallow me, and others the light in the distance seems closer.  Yet I am falling, so how can this be so?

Some days are like meadows full of flowers and sunshine.  The deep colors and leaf filtered light reflected among the trees.  The darkness a distant memory hiding among the shadows.

The day I met you was like no other.  The Lightning flashed and the thunder boomed over the ocean, but I was unafraid.  You held my hand then, and when I questioned your legitimacy, you held me closer until I believed again.  I found that Jesus, I love you most of all.

The day I met my love was different too, it was the day I knew that my storm was over.  I knew that I was no longer falling in the well, but was climbing to the light, striving to find that glorious meadow.  I was no more afraid of the shadows darkness, but I took refuge in the cool air found within its embrace.  I fell in love with every aspect of my meadow, for it was you, it is you, and it you will forever be.  I am so grateful to be blessed with this knowledge.  

The hard days still come to pass, yet the storms cannot drown me even as they try.  The shadows still stretch and twist as the sun sets into dusk, but you are with me, my God and my meadow.  Each day that passes I look up to you, my God my Soul's protector, and as each day wanes I become more attached and blend further into this meadow I call home.  Embedding myself within the fabric of your soul, I realize it is love that made me whole.

Chapter 2

Chapter 2- The Glue on the Web

The image that is created by a pedophile is so perfect it is scary, not a line out of place.  They are the beloved coach who drives the kids home when practice is just too late or something came up at the last second.  He is the supportive, encouraging and oh so funny.  Maybe he has a girlfriend or wife whom he says “can’t get pregnant” but She is rarely around when he is with the kids.  He supports all the kids dreams, and spends extra time “planning” with them.  He remembers birthdays and special occasions, and loves to be included in these events.

He may be the teacher that all the kids love because he is the “fun teacher.”  He has extra field trips, and activities after school.  He observes when something is wrong, and he provides “emotional support” and the normal acting out your child naturally practices, seems to magically cease.  Little does anyone know that she is still acting out, and that this calm is only the breath before the hurricane strikes.  He is making her think that keeping secrets is okay, and to reject her family is normal.  He is teaching her to be sexual, and to reject her own values and adopt his, he is molding her into the perfect victim.  He is isolating her in public, and becoming the only one she wants to turn to, and she is probably believing that he is the only one who loves her, he tells her how evil doctors and parents are.  He sees himself as a God, and he wants her to see him the same way, as perfect.  As the best thing in the world, but at some point he will begin to slip, and when that happens you will begin to see things that had magically disappeared coming back, worse than ever, but by now it is too late.  The web has been set, and she is stuck in it.  You are only starting to realize that so are you, and try as you might, you may not be able to save her this time.

The things you say to yourself in your head, the things you blame yourself for, and then you ask her what’s wrong and she stone walls you.  The more you try to connect the less she wants to be around you, the closer you pull her the harder she shoves back.  And now you really know something is wrong, and she knows something is wrong but neither one of you knows how to communicate it to the other one. You yell and scream at eachother, you tell her she should love you enough, trust you enough, have enough history with you to trust you.  You have no idea what she went through and she does not want to tell you what she is experiencing, so she becomes defiant and stays angry, she turns to him more, no one knows why, and you begin to doubt everything.  You are both stuck in the glue, wrapped in the threads of the web of lies.  

Chapter 1

Chapter 1-The Spider and the Fly

Spiders always have a favorite food, they always look for the easy prey, and they always find it; therefore, it is easy to see how a pedophile works the same way.  A pedophile has an “age range” but it is based more on looks than age.  Pedophiles also  have a “type” similar to that of a man picking up a drunk chick at a bar, he looks for specific characteristics in his victims.  Victims can be chosen based on hair color, clothing color or style, what they are actively doing when they first make contact with the pedophile, and sometimes things as specific as the family participation in the young girl's life.  

From hair color and length, to the bow you tied in it because you love her your daughter may be a target for something that random and specific.  So how do you keep them safe?  You can’t, nothing you can do will prepare you for this moment, but how you respond can affect their life even more.  You dress them in their Sunday best, and in long sleeve shirts, long pants or you name it.  Do they chose the color? Do you?  Does it really matter?  No, but that might just be what a pedophile sees.  Do your kids run around the store playing hide and seek, or do they stay close to you?  It is always best to keep your children close to you, but they are together right?  They are old enough to stick together, to know better and you have to give them some freedom, some individuality, and put some faith in them too.  And maybe that increases the risk for them, but it is also what makes them healthy.  So what do you do?

The spider sits in the corner waiting for its food to fly too far into the corner, and get caught in its web.  The spider watches and waits, and always hopes knowing that one day one will stray just a breath too far.  On a more real level, he gets to know your child, and he becomes her friend, he makes her feel special and wanted and probably safe as well.  Do you openly yell and scream at your kids?  Are you flustered?  Do you allow your kids to feel like they are less than you because of their age?  Do you belittle them?  Are you being an openly caring parent? Does it matter? Nope.  Nothing that you can ask yourself or blame yourself for will make it better.  Something inside of this person is so sick that he really doesn’t know how wrong he is, or the effect his actions will have in the future. If he does know the effect, he also doesn't care because like a murderer or other criminal he lacks human empathy, unlike other criminals he is charismatic, and appears to care about his victims, but it is all a charade, similar to that of a con artist.

The trap is set over time, but once it is in place, the image is set, and he must move fast.  From favors racking up, he begins to want something in return.  It might be a hug, or a cheek kiss, or letting him touch her.  Things that are innocent at first, but rapidly become an alarming when looked at as an entire situation.  Most times this person has a position of authority, like an instructor, teacher, or coach.  Although it is there job to be supportive these people go above and beyond the job, and provide support and training outside of the usual arenas of their position.

I want to stress something right now, it is very important that you as a parent do not blame yourself for what happens.  In this instance it is very hard to identify what is going on, and even more true, is that you probably know and trust them too, so you cannot beat yourself up over the bad things that happen!  I will explain why this is so crucial, but for now that needs to be made clear.

Sometimes kids truly believe that there parents are against them, or unreasonable.  And these people are in the perfect position to capitalize on that.  They can and will play into the victim mindset.  In fact they will enlarge it, encourage it and eventually they will create scenarios to blame you for, and split the relationship between you and your child.  Then they will build a fantasy, and it will be perfect, but it will be just fantastically fake.  There is an even bigger problem than this fantasy though, and that is that your child believes it.  She is in his web now, and he has made it look natural, and she really believes that she loves him and he loves her.  If they catch him she probably won’t speak up, but he will manipulate the perspective as best he can to make her look bad no matter what.  This is the web that he has spent months perfecting to ensnare her in, and unless you catch it before she lands in it, you cannot save her from the pain.  It is already there, and now is when you get to chose the next step.  Do you blame her and make his web perfect, or do you support her and love her through it?  Do you try to force her to remember, do you try to catch him, or do you help her heal?  I know this sounds like an All Or Nothing statement, but the truth is that it isn’t.  Do you really think I would tell you to keep quiet?  No, but can you protect her from the pain?  Also no.  Don’t baby the victim.  Don’t act like she doesn’t know what happened.  Don’t try to explain it away, but most important of all, do not get mad at her for believing his lies regardless of the pain it causes you, and when you do don’t tell her how much it hurts you, it isn’t her fault.  She may have willingly climbed into his car, she may have begged him to save her after she began to believe his lies.  You can’t explain his lies away.  You can only prove that you love her beyond any doubt now.  You are at a huge decision, what do you focus on right now?  The worst has happened, and your baby is hurting.  She wishes she were dead, and she hides alone in her room.  She doesn’t want to be touched, or she is too touchy.  She no longer knows how to interact with you, she doubts you, and when you get frustrated towards her it solidifies his twisted lies inside her head, but you are a parent, so where do u go now?  Do you put her in therapy?  What do you do?  How do you react?  What does she need the most?  Why is she not relieved?  Why is she mad at you?  Why did this happen to you?  It is so easy to get trapped in your head and what you should have or could have done, but it is no use.  It is done and over with.  

Introduction: Letter to a Rapist

Dear Little Spider, 02-06-2017

The last time that I wrote you I was still a child, struggling to remember what you did.  I refused to dig into my memories to convict you.  I was exactly where you wanted me to be.  This time is different.

Today I am exactly where you promised I would be, and doing exactly what you told me you dreamed of us doing, but without you.  I am living my dreams.  I am finally free of the pain that stole more from my spirit than from my body, and in less than a month you will never have touched any part of my body.  You were sick, and I pray Jesus has healed your soul over time.  You were cold, hard, vindictive, deceitful and scary; however, I pray God has moved inside of you and fundamentally changed you.

Some days I want to sit and talk to you.  I want to understand why your brain told you that this was okay.  I never will, and I have come to peace with that too.  

I am finally okay with my past, and I can finally prove that I have forgiven you.  I would like to thank you for making me look crazy every year.  Thank you for teaching me not to feel, and in turn how to express the deepest emotional pain so beautifully.  I can finally write this book, and stop another young girl from feeling so alone.  I will not use your name nor any details that can identify you to anyone else, but you will know that it is you I have written about.

Sincerely,

The Girl You Turned Into a Woman Far Too Young

The fly who escaped your web

The girl who rode the waves

Me

I will write a book.

Why I am writing this book:

Sometimes I don't know if I can say the words.  I am a rape victim. Sometimes I feel like people know, and they are judging me, but they are strangers.  Some days I feel like I am not worth the breath in my chest, the smile on my lips, or the happiness I find in living.  God is the only one who can calm me in these times, a love so strong that I no longer feel like damaged goods.  A strong, loving, gentle flow of love that heals the ache in the empty space where my virginity once sat.  It took me nearly seven years to get here, but it is time to tell my story.

The Love I Give Infinitely

LOVE

I am in Love.

For the First Time Ever.

We Walk Through Hell, So They Don't Have To.

1/31/2017 I Found The One In God.
You.

2 Plus Us, And Our Life Is Just Starting.
It's going to be hard, but we have God on our Side.

New Poetry

The Rise

-Crystal Brown-

She Prayed that night

For a change in her life

For a new family

To see the light

She prayed alone

And never quite felt home

And she cried for her life

To end that night

She walked alone

Never to go home now

Forever alone here

"I have to fight"

So she got up

And began to rebuild

So she could live her

And be alive

She now prays a new prayer

She wants to be known here

As part of his family

His one true love

Rising.

Living.

Finally.

Loving.

How I feel when he kisses my forehead.
I am in love.

All my values, all my love and all my art!

Falling in Love

When everything seems to have reached its lowest point, and no one seems to see who you are, turn to faith, religion, love, community, people or just tv.  Whatever it is, just don't be alone inside your head.  Just connect to something besides your emotions.  Emotions are tricky little things, but they are not an end all be all, so dont be fooled.  Get up and conect.

Go outside, be around people.  Who knows you might even fall in love.

:)

My stand

I have tried to stay on the fence about this whole Trump thing, but damn it all why is this bigot in office?
I have something to say, and many of you wont want to hear it, and maybe you wont care, but here goes nothing.
April 2nd 2010 something happened that changed my life forever, I was raped, and until about 10 days ago I didn't remember the way it felt to have my screams ripping out of my throat but be unable to hear them at all. I didn't remember the raw chafed feeling in my throat, or the searing headache, or the way my hips protested movement the next day, but now I do.
THIS CANNOT BE REVERSED.
THIS NEVER GOES AWAY.
I WAS RAPED!

I remember it all now.

"Grab 'em by the pussy"
"You can't rape your wife"
These things or President Donald Trump has put out there in the media as a normal thing to say! Wake up America!
This isn't "locker room talk" unless you are in a Prison release party for sexual predators. Consent is NEVER implied, but what is implied is the no. Your daughter is your favorite SEX idol? Wow you creep, and I bet you bathed her at night too!

Your Administration expressed "disappointment" in the protesters, and the men who let their wives and children protest, but President Trump I had to work, but I stand with them.

I am a Nasty Woman, but I am not so Nasty as it may seem.

Breaking my heart

(I tried to ost a icture but it would not post)  This is my baby... Ima miss you boy.... But i cant hurt anymore and idk of i can even look at your daddy without this pain eating me alive. Just know i love you baby dog.  And i wish it wasnt like this, but goodbye baby boy. My best friend. The 1 who knows just when to crawl under the covers and when to clobber me. The only one who loved me when i was deppressed and when i cried. The only one who could stop my anxiety before it started. My criminal minds buddy. Y does this hurt so bad? Because i told you.  I told you to walk away of you were just going to hurt me. I told you i was going to try to hide the pain bit you said you wouldnt.... You ... Said... And yet you lied.
Do u know what this is doning to me? So you even fucking care

**Update: I was never in love with you, and you only wanted sex, so goodbye; because, you no longer hold head space**

I am in love with someone i can never have

I am in love with him... He isnt sure. I could wait. I could.... Forever.
But what if he is never mine?
What if i stand beside his other brides maids or worse in a chair watching him marry someone else?
I love you.
And i am still waiting.
I love you.

**Update: I was stupid to believe that this was love.**

Beauty In the Debris

As my life began to crash around me, and I was in my lowest part of my life.
Between an eviction and the confusion I was ready to give up.  I didn't know where to turn, the knife was on the ledge of my bathtub, for nearly a week before I made him put it away, and never speak of it again.  He looked at me, and he saw the pain, but he didn't ask he put it away like the good friend that he is.  Without my friends I would not have made it, and that is because humans were not made to walk alone.

I am here watching Gods work unfold around me, and I am so grateful to God, because as my personal Castle crumbled I noticed something amazing, under all my additions and an towers and turrets, was a little hut, as my cement crumbled, the vines grew to protect the part of me that I refused to face, And as my own pride and anger and guilt faded a light soft and pure spread through the vines, and engulfed my world.  The clouds parted, and I saw myself as God wanted me to, as his child.  And for the first time ever, I fell to my knees in his presence, but I didn't crawl I threw my arms out to God and held on tight.

I refuse to sink again.

-Crystal-

In The Darkness Comes the Love of God

There is a time when nothing seems right, and everything appears dark and blurry.  Life seems to be a grey toned existence, and light seems muted. Bright ideas and and music or conversions grate on every nerve that is left exposed.  It can be simple like your siblings noticing you got a promotion and praising you, or your parents saying that they are proud of you and your accomplishments.

Sometimes pain just is a phase, sometimes stress is a never ending battle thats when you realize you dont remember why you are stressed.  That is when you decide how to handle it, and sometimes the doctors wont listen to you, and they wont accept what is happening as out of the normal range of stress, but it somehow is.  You have never had to deal with it before in your life, and now you are expected to just know how to make it stop.  Little thing become so big there seems to be no way to push through them, and now you are lost and hopeless.  You now have some choices.... but you dont see them yet.

In this Anxiety that never seems to go away, you feel the need to never stop moving, and at the end you cant and you feel trapped, and you might might want to end it all... You probably dont know where to turn, you might despise yourself and anyone who loves you, but where does this get you?  Why are you here?  What is the bigger picture?  What is on the other side of all this pain, anger, guilt and hate?

Could it be love?
A love so big and terrifying that you are shrinking away from it?
An undeniable love?

Well I have had my fair share of pain and anger and guilt and hatred toward myself, but now I am sitting here looking at all of the pieces of my spirit, and personality that I have left behind, how humbled I am by the love people have shown me, and the support I have found in places I was afraid of....

The way my fear has panned out as just that: fear.  God never left me alone, and when I was scared he sat there and let me be afraid, he let me be in his presence, and heal As much as I was willing to, and I was scared of this freedom so true and pure.  I locked my heart away, but God had the only other key, and when he came into my heart I could not turn him away.

The key he used was a young man, who was able to gently remove the chains that I had lived with for so long, and coax my heart to trust bit by bit.  He never turned away, and I gave him reason more than enough times, but he never ever turned his back.  I did what I could to hold onto this Beautiful Key to my heart, but God had other plans, and another test for me.  My best friend and lover moved on in his life to a lover far greater than just me.  He went to serve his country, and in so doing he moved away, and it has been so hard on my heart, but let me tell you.... That phone call, and his voice takes those blurry grey shade and clears my sight and suddenly there is color and clarity and love, and without him, and God, I would not ever know what those color were.

God is so beautiful, and great!  God is Love, and the only true love of my life.
I know I am no angel... but for God My imperfections and sharp edges might be the key he has crafted to fit only a specific heart.  Maybe I am a rake to tend his garden, or a wind to spread his word... but whatever it is that I am.... I am for God.... Because when I only saw the darkness... There He was.

Smiling in pain.

Smiling re wires your brain to be happy.
Try it.

Breath For Him

When his eyes fade
When the tears wont fall
When you're realizing
He's already gone.

And your heart is sore
You can take no more.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

When the life drains out
Of you babies eyes
When you hold his hand
But he never cries.

And his body's cold
But you cant let go.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Dont you dare
Let his death
Be your life
Hold you back.

Take a step
And then one more
Before you realize that
You're at the door.

Dont you run.
Dont dare scream.
Dont you dare
Give up your dream.

Because as his eyes fade
As his blood cooled
As his soul left
He became a part of you.

So take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Take a breath.
And he's gone.

                                        -Crystal-
  

I want to love again, but I don't know how.

I've been injured to the core,
My heart is just so sore,
Cant take the pain no more,
And I cant hit the floor.

Here we go again,
I just cant take this pain,
I think his name was gain,
Now I will need that Crane.

I must dig so far,
These mind curtains like a bar,
Feel like they are made from tar,
When did I get this scar?

So deep,
I cant seem to sleep,
And when I do I peep,
Into the secrets I keep.

In my fucking mind,
I want to come untied,
Get rid of all the fried,
Images only I can find.

I don't know how to live,
I don't know how to give,
Living is all I grieve,
I wish I could just forgive.

I am having a god damned cow,
Someone cooked a crow,
I want to be done now,
I want to love, but I don't know how.

Forgive, but forget?

Forgive him they said,
It will make you feel better,
Forget about it they said,
And it could have been so much worse.

Move on they said,
Forgive and forget,
And forget,
Just forget.

Forgetting is not an option any more,
I can forgive him,
And I can say that with my integrity,
Still in tact.

I will never ever forget
What he did to me,
or the pain,
He gave me.

What he took from me
I will never ever get back,
So for my own sanity I Forgive,
But forget?

Never.

-Crystal-

Insomnia

The Mayo Clinic

A summery from the Insomnia Page in the Mayo Clinic Site, is quite interesting:
There are basically 2 types of insomnia, one is long lasting or chronic, and one is shorter term or acute.  They both manifest in any combination of these symptoms: fall asleep, stay asleep, wake up early, or go back to sleep.  Most adults need 7 to 10 hours and insomnia is when you get less than 7 hours a night for somewhere between 7 days to 1 month you might have insomnia.  Insomnia is not only a reason that people are tired, it saps energy causing exhaustion, and negatively effects health both emotionally AND physically (No coffee does not fix the exhaustion, nor does it help after 3:00 pm).

This was my late night insomniac research on why i cant sleep.

-Crystal-
*site linked at top of page*