I have been trying to be positive and give hope every post, but the truth is that right now I am struggling to know what that is... Hope I mean.
I keep believing that the pain will end, that the memories will eventually hurt less, but no... They just don't.
Physically they kept me safe, but emotionally I am ruined... Why? After 6 years, well 5 years and 5 months I guess... is the pain so fresh?
Guys.... I am going to be okay... I am going to live, and grow and learn and work, but inside... I keep being reborn and then I die again and again, and I never know how long in between, or what will kill me the next time...
Or the next.
I just want to be Okay again.
Someone please understand that I am trying to survive the night...
Please hear me...
OMG... tears just never end.
-Crystal-
Thursday, September 29, 2016
Depression is Crippling, you can win OR JUST EVOLVE
They say we evolved over time to be what we are today, and they say we adapt to survive in the environment we are put into.
Depression can come from many things, and I don't know where yours stems from, but mine... mine I do. It is crippling, and I have been in tears since he left. I feel abandoned, like he wont ever come home, but he probably will. Even though in my head.... I know these things, my body keeps reacting. The tears, the panic, the short breath, the pain in my back and neck, the headache, the desire to curl up in my unmade bed where he woke me up with kisses and cuddles. The desire to search the house for something, anything of his he might have left behind, that I can hold on to.
Panic sweeps my body. The tears start. Then the shakes. And then this, what is happening now, right before it all starts over again... This is the eye of the storm, where I can see everything that is happening and scramble to fix it. Right now, my friend is here, he is outside smoking, he might believe that I am looking for a movie to watch, and he doesn't understand why I wont watch it in my room on my comfy bed, but would rather lay on the floor, sometimes within his reach, but mostly just beyond.
My head is exploding, and the urge to run is so strong, and I think it is the only way to make this God Damned Pain End, but I can't do that again; because, I am "adulting," for that is all I can do.
They say we adapt, and I am living proof of that. I am alive, and that is enough proof for me. All the pain seems too much, so I raise my threshold of tolerance. I smile. I get up. I live. Even as a shell, somewhere deep down I have a will, and I force it to stay, and therefor I win through adaptation, and change.
I am Evolution Personified....
Truth is, I still want to die...
It isn't my time yet...
Fact is the same, and I long for death, but I am here and alive.
-Crystal-
Depression can come from many things, and I don't know where yours stems from, but mine... mine I do. It is crippling, and I have been in tears since he left. I feel abandoned, like he wont ever come home, but he probably will. Even though in my head.... I know these things, my body keeps reacting. The tears, the panic, the short breath, the pain in my back and neck, the headache, the desire to curl up in my unmade bed where he woke me up with kisses and cuddles. The desire to search the house for something, anything of his he might have left behind, that I can hold on to.
Panic sweeps my body. The tears start. Then the shakes. And then this, what is happening now, right before it all starts over again... This is the eye of the storm, where I can see everything that is happening and scramble to fix it. Right now, my friend is here, he is outside smoking, he might believe that I am looking for a movie to watch, and he doesn't understand why I wont watch it in my room on my comfy bed, but would rather lay on the floor, sometimes within his reach, but mostly just beyond.
My head is exploding, and the urge to run is so strong, and I think it is the only way to make this God Damned Pain End, but I can't do that again; because, I am "adulting," for that is all I can do.
They say we adapt, and I am living proof of that. I am alive, and that is enough proof for me. All the pain seems too much, so I raise my threshold of tolerance. I smile. I get up. I live. Even as a shell, somewhere deep down I have a will, and I force it to stay, and therefor I win through adaptation, and change.
I am Evolution Personified....
Truth is, I still want to die...
It isn't my time yet...
Fact is the same, and I long for death, but I am here and alive.
-Crystal-
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)