I am not who you say I am, but I am still depressed.

You told me I was Raped.
That I should remember it.
2 days after it happened.  
On my birthday, when you found out.

you told me what he did to me,
That he was evil,
2 days after he raped me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

You told me what to tell them,
That you could protect me.
2 days after he loved me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

What you didn't tell me was bigger than any of that.
What you didn't tell me eventually broke my heart.
What you didn't tell me is what you couldn't know.
How out of "love" greed could grow.

You did what he did,
You got away with it,
You hid behind the "great parent" mask.
If you didn't abuse me...
Why then can I not tell my friends the "worst thing my mom did?"

You have manipulated everything in my life!
I am done!

I didn't say I was raped,
Because I didn't remember.
2 days after it happened, 
On my birthday, when you found out.

I told them that I didn't know,
That he was good to me,
2 days he raped me.
On my birthday when you found out.

I told them the truth,
When you dragged me in to talk to strangers,
2 days after he loved me,
On my birthday, when you found out.

He was good to me!
He taught me to be grateful, 
What it was like to be the center of attention, positively.

But he raped me.

I  tell you that I was raped,
And I remember it.
6 years after it happened.
At midnight, with the windows locked.

I can tell you what he did to me,
And he had a sickness,
6 years after he raped me,
At noon, in my work place.

I can no longer tell them,
And you made it worse.
6 years after he loved me,
In the morning, as I am showering.

Trying to scrub away the pain that you both left.

Trying to scrub away my past.

Trying to start over.

Someone please kill me... I don't have the strength to try any more.

Fake smiles and sunshine.
*this is my release*

-Crystal-

This is what I am Now

You told me that I was "one of his victims"
I was not just one of anything.
I stood up and spoke out about crimes
You did a little bit of nothing.

I had shut down all the memories,
The more you hedged
The less I looked for testimonies
And he was reported as "alleged"

He did to me things
I don't want to remember
He threatened spiritual beings,
Not just me but my sister.

So you wonder why I never told you?
He said he would kill her.
You wonder why I don't love you?
Why don't you ask her.

I didn't remember the truth,                                        
So I refused to lie, and through it all you called me a lier.
But now I remember it all.
From the day it began,
That very first day in December.

Your going to see that month, and ask yourself...
Does she mean January?
No, December nearly 14 years earlier.
So take what I love but not who.

It was me that he raped,
Not you.

                                                                  -Crystal-