Insomnia

The Mayo Clinic

A summery from the Insomnia Page in the Mayo Clinic Site, is quite interesting:
There are basically 2 types of insomnia, one is long lasting or chronic, and one is shorter term or acute.  They both manifest in any combination of these symptoms: fall asleep, stay asleep, wake up early, or go back to sleep.  Most adults need 7 to 10 hours and insomnia is when you get less than 7 hours a night for somewhere between 7 days to 1 month you might have insomnia.  Insomnia is not only a reason that people are tired, it saps energy causing exhaustion, and negatively effects health both emotionally AND physically (No coffee does not fix the exhaustion, nor does it help after 3:00 pm).

This was my late night insomniac research on why i cant sleep.

-Crystal-
*site linked at top of page*

When you think the Trigger is over, but It isnt

Dear Readers,
A lesson I have learned the hard way that I hope you wont have to:
Triggers are good and bad, emotional triggers are by definition:

An Emotional Trigger is a response to a person, situation, event, dialogue, reading, film, or other content providing entity, that provokes a strong emotional reaction. Often we are not self aware when we are triggered, and fall into reacting prior to sifting through our strong emotional response.
-Google definitions-

Sometimes it is a little thing in a movie that makes you cry, and sometimes it is the look someone gives you of utter disapproval, or the punctuation in words that someone used to prove their point, or the way someone tries to prove their superiority every time they see you.

It gets the the point sometimes where a single person being within your general proximity is all it takes to trigger a negative or positive reaction.  I have 2 of them, one triggers the good even when he is angry, and the other the bad even when she is happy.

What I mean is, that when I am with my mom, and I try to tell her how well I am doing, I feel like the bad is all she will hear.  I love that she wants to take care of me, and all that, but I hate that I have to feel like I am in debt to her and paying it off for the rest of my life.  No, I don't "love" her.  I feel like she abandoned me, like she gave me up again and again, like she attempted to create a monster out of me.  Now that I don't rely on her, or trust her, or even love her she is trying to buy me back.  What she does not know is I cant be bought, and I love my sisters more than anyone else in the world, and that blood IS thicker than ink on paper.  Memories don't just vanish.  And pain can not and will not just disappear.  I refuse to feel this way, so I am cutting out the trigger.

Goodbye for now,
-Crystal-

Finding the happy in the Sad

source 1

Sometimes when you are sad a great coping skill is to:
"Call your mom. Or your dad. Or your favorite aunt, or your grandma"
Sometimes your favorite person is not your best friend, but the person who taught you how to love.  Sometimes they are blood, and sometimes they are heart bonds that are just to strong to sever no matter how hard you try.

A summery from my first source is that guilty pleasures are not "guilty" spoiling yourself gives you a reason to love yourself, and not all of those things are bad.  Everything in Moderation.... but, don't excuse being childish or blowing off work or chores for those things, prioritize your life and fit in those little blessed moments of self indulgence just to be the one who makes yourself smile.

Source 2 

"Every day is a new opportunity to be better than yesterday; that pursuit can increase your self-esteem and, accordingly, your happiness."

"Finding joy in the present moment, no matter how inadequate it may seem, makes a difference in other people’s lives."

Conclusion:

Some people really think that being happy is a choice, although people with depression can fall into the mindset that nothing will help, and that there is only 1 way out, that is not always true.  Sometimes instead of trying to show other people how happy they make you, being happy around them can make them happy and in turn increase your mood as well.  although this article deals with sadness and not really a depression mindset these two quotes are definitely true and EVEN helpful if the depression does not have you curled up in a corner searching for someone to understand you.

source 3

Depression is a "mental illness" it is not a joke, and it is not made up.  Just because it cannot be seen from the outside, people believe so many lies about it.  Sometimes all it takes  is a little medication to fix it, and sometimes the medications make it worse because your body starts to look and feel different.

So whatever the case is, Someone else is there, and even if they are not, you can be there for you too.

-Crystal-

It never gets easier.... It just Changes

It never gets easier to hear.  It never gets easier to accept.  It never gets easier to understand why a man would RAPE a woman.

But when it happens to someone you know, and you know the victim, and you are in the seat she is in.  They tell you what he did to her, not by the words they say, but by the words they don't say.

Even when they don't say who it is, but you know.  And you know because you haven't seen her post, or your friends banter with her for days.  You know because your good friend sleeps at her house, and makes angry posts about Rape.  You just KNOW.

They wont confirm it, but they she is okay.  But that life will change now that the authorities are involved, and they know, and they are doing their jobs, but it will never be the same for her again.  She will never feel beautiful and sexy like she used too.  Her clothing will change, and she will hide herself away.  And she will feel like an object to be stolen and used, until she breaks.... and then what?

And then what?

I've been there right where she is now.

And I've dropped off the face of the Earth too.

I get it from her prospective.

But it NEVER gets easier to hear, but my prospective CHANGED with time... Will hers?

-Crystal-

Bah to Ahhh... Quotes and stuff that help me just... chill!

The past may hurt, but it is creating your future.

Dear Lord, yes to so many things, court, rape, pain, and some people too.

Gaaaah, right in the feelz.... I am so weird... but I'm here!

Sadness, anger, self hated and fear of rejection are mine... what are yours?

I abolished it; because, quitting leads to feeling depressed due to believing that you let yourself fail, so just DON'T QUIT!

THIS IS LIFE FOLKS!

Well Said, courage Is all you ever need!


-Crystal-

Help Me find new Material Please?

Dear Reader,
It has been a while since I wrote, first my computer became a butt, and decided not to charge until I sat is at weird angles and jiggled the cord just right, but all that aside... Let's look at the last week.

This week has been hard, and painful, but also good and wonderful.  Blah and Ya: all at once.  Additionally I have lost some people I thought I would always have, and gained some people I thought I would NEVER have the way I do.  I got many people, and I WILL call them up and check in with them and offer them hope, but now there are people who do the same for me, and it feels great!  It is a miracle that these people are near me, and that they know how much they mean to me, and how big of a part they are in my life.  I don't know what I would do without these 3 most amazing and wonderful people I am so privileged to know!

I have also come to a point, where I am not inspired by my story, If you would like to comment topics that you personally struggle with and I will dedicate time to research this specific issue and do 1 of 2 things:
A) find you some ONLINE resources and Link them In a post that will be titled I Don't Know Anything about _______ Subject, but these people seem to.... So here is what I found, and the first line will look like this: Dear _your name (or Anon if you prefer)_,
Here is what I was able to find, as I am no expert on this and can't say I have experienced I have linked some web sites to this page for you, and I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.
OR
B) I will do my research regardless of my personal experiance with the subject and compose SOME SORT of composition.

***This is a politics free page***
**I will not help you find resources to harm yourself OR others EVER**
*I will NEVER promote emotional damage on this page, so be kind*

READY...?
Set...
GO!

Family Is Not Blood

in the foster care system at 6 months old family is the person feeding you and changing your diapers maybe drying your tears and kissing your face, but at 5 years old you are aware that you don't belong where you are.  At 2 years old, you have achieved the innate ability to detach, and a crippling fear of attachment.

This is called reactive attachment disorder, and it is not an easy diagnoses... the symptoms can be subtle or violent, it can be influenced by the personalities of the children and the caretakers.  Sometimes having a "family" changes everything and sometimes "family" changes nothing, and sometimes it takes being 20 years old and saying I want to fix this, I want to connect.  I want to be okay,

My FAMILY consists of a Mother and Father, 4 Sisters, and 6 Brothers THEY ARE THE BEST! I WOULD NOT TRADE THEM FOR THE WORLD.  

I Love You Guys!

-Crystal-

Gratitude

I have a brother: Mark.
I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Seeing him happy, makes me happy.

These are the moments to live for guys...

So I am going to enjoy the time I have with him :)

Depression

I have found myself wavering between being angry and rejecting everything good in my life, and just sad and crying for no fucking reason.  The fluctuation happens in a matter of seconds.  I will be tired, and lay down, I feel the tears start, the heaviness in my body... I am not "sad" and I have no reason to be, I am exhausted and worried and and thinking about my day, and even the wonderful things when I think about them seem to make my heart ache for a second when life didn't seem so... heavy.   And then I get angry, And I blame myself for everything that has ever happened bad in my life, and I want to die because I am so Mad that the tears wont stop, and I don't understand why they even started; because, depression does not always have a trigger.  Depression just happens.  It happens at work, and I push through the day, pretending I am okay, and hyper, and happy and in love with my job.  It happens at night when I get home, and I just feel to heavy to drag myself past the place where I crumpled to the floor after locking myself in, and even if someone brings me food I loath myself for being to weak to go get it and burdening someone else.  It happens in the middle of the night when I wake up to go pee, and I just cant bring my self to walk 10 steps back to my bed.  It happens in the morning, when I don't think about hitting the snooze on my alarm, or about staying in bed, or about calling in sick for a day off; because, pretending I am okay is the key to keeping myself alive.  So don't tell me this and that will help, and don't tell me to look on the bright side, for there isn't a dark side at all, there is no physical reason to feel this way, there is no trigger, no pain, no injustice... there is nothing.
This is called depression.

-Crystal-