Chapter 1-The Spider and the Fly
Spiders always have a favorite food, they always look for the easy prey, and they always find it; therefore, it is easy to see how a pedophile works the same way. A pedophile has an “age range” but it is based more on looks than age. Pedophiles also have a “type” similar to that of a man picking up a drunk chick at a bar, he looks for specific characteristics in his victims. Victims can be chosen based on hair color, clothing color or style, what they are actively doing when they first make contact with the pedophile, and sometimes things as specific as the family participation in the young girl's life.
From hair color and length, to the bow you tied in it because you love her your daughter may be a target for something that random and specific. So how do you keep them safe? You can’t, nothing you can do will prepare you for this moment, but how you respond can affect their life even more. You dress them in their Sunday best, and in long sleeve shirts, long pants or you name it. Do they chose the color? Do you? Does it really matter? No, but that might just be what a pedophile sees. Do your kids run around the store playing hide and seek, or do they stay close to you? It is always best to keep your children close to you, but they are together right? They are old enough to stick together, to know better and you have to give them some freedom, some individuality, and put some faith in them too. And maybe that increases the risk for them, but it is also what makes them healthy. So what do you do?
The spider sits in the corner waiting for its food to fly too far into the corner, and get caught in its web. The spider watches and waits, and always hopes knowing that one day one will stray just a breath too far. On a more real level, he gets to know your child, and he becomes her friend, he makes her feel special and wanted and probably safe as well. Do you openly yell and scream at your kids? Are you flustered? Do you allow your kids to feel like they are less than you because of their age? Do you belittle them? Are you being an openly caring parent? Does it matter? Nope. Nothing that you can ask yourself or blame yourself for will make it better. Something inside of this person is so sick that he really doesn’t know how wrong he is, or the effect his actions will have in the future. If he does know the effect, he also doesn't care because like a murderer or other criminal he lacks human empathy, unlike other criminals he is charismatic, and appears to care about his victims, but it is all a charade, similar to that of a con artist.
The trap is set over time, but once it is in place, the image is set, and he must move fast. From favors racking up, he begins to want something in return. It might be a hug, or a cheek kiss, or letting him touch her. Things that are innocent at first, but rapidly become an alarming when looked at as an entire situation. Most times this person has a position of authority, like an instructor, teacher, or coach. Although it is there job to be supportive these people go above and beyond the job, and provide support and training outside of the usual arenas of their position.
I want to stress something right now, it is very important that you as a parent do not blame yourself for what happens. In this instance it is very hard to identify what is going on, and even more true, is that you probably know and trust them too, so you cannot beat yourself up over the bad things that happen! I will explain why this is so crucial, but for now that needs to be made clear.
Sometimes kids truly believe that there parents are against them, or unreasonable. And these people are in the perfect position to capitalize on that. They can and will play into the victim mindset. In fact they will enlarge it, encourage it and eventually they will create scenarios to blame you for, and split the relationship between you and your child. Then they will build a fantasy, and it will be perfect, but it will be just fantastically fake. There is an even bigger problem than this fantasy though, and that is that your child believes it. She is in his web now, and he has made it look natural, and she really believes that she loves him and he loves her. If they catch him she probably won’t speak up, but he will manipulate the perspective as best he can to make her look bad no matter what. This is the web that he has spent months perfecting to ensnare her in, and unless you catch it before she lands in it, you cannot save her from the pain. It is already there, and now is when you get to chose the next step. Do you blame her and make his web perfect, or do you support her and love her through it? Do you try to force her to remember, do you try to catch him, or do you help her heal? I know this sounds like an All Or Nothing statement, but the truth is that it isn’t. Do you really think I would tell you to keep quiet? No, but can you protect her from the pain? Also no. Don’t baby the victim. Don’t act like she doesn’t know what happened. Don’t try to explain it away, but most important of all, do not get mad at her for believing his lies regardless of the pain it causes you, and when you do don’t tell her how much it hurts you, it isn’t her fault. She may have willingly climbed into his car, she may have begged him to save her after she began to believe his lies. You can’t explain his lies away. You can only prove that you love her beyond any doubt now. You are at a huge decision, what do you focus on right now? The worst has happened, and your baby is hurting. She wishes she were dead, and she hides alone in her room. She doesn’t want to be touched, or she is too touchy. She no longer knows how to interact with you, she doubts you, and when you get frustrated towards her it solidifies his twisted lies inside her head, but you are a parent, so where do u go now? Do you put her in therapy? What do you do? How do you react? What does she need the most? Why is she not relieved? Why is she mad at you? Why did this happen to you? It is so easy to get trapped in your head and what you should have or could have done, but it is no use. It is done and over with.
