There is a time when nothing seems right, and everything appears dark and blurry. Life seems to be a grey toned existence, and light seems muted. Bright ideas and and music or conversions grate on every nerve that is left exposed. It can be simple like your siblings noticing you got a promotion and praising you, or your parents saying that they are proud of you and your accomplishments.
Sometimes pain just is a phase, sometimes stress is a never ending battle thats when you realize you dont remember why you are stressed. That is when you decide how to handle it, and sometimes the doctors wont listen to you, and they wont accept what is happening as out of the normal range of stress, but it somehow is. You have never had to deal with it before in your life, and now you are expected to just know how to make it stop. Little thing become so big there seems to be no way to push through them, and now you are lost and hopeless. You now have some choices.... but you dont see them yet.
In this Anxiety that never seems to go away, you feel the need to never stop moving, and at the end you cant and you feel trapped, and you might might want to end it all... You probably dont know where to turn, you might despise yourself and anyone who loves you, but where does this get you? Why are you here? What is the bigger picture? What is on the other side of all this pain, anger, guilt and hate?
Could it be love?
A love so big and terrifying that you are shrinking away from it?
An undeniable love?
Well I have had my fair share of pain and anger and guilt and hatred toward myself, but now I am sitting here looking at all of the pieces of my spirit, and personality that I have left behind, how humbled I am by the love people have shown me, and the support I have found in places I was afraid of....
The way my fear has panned out as just that: fear. God never left me alone, and when I was scared he sat there and let me be afraid, he let me be in his presence, and heal As much as I was willing to, and I was scared of this freedom so true and pure. I locked my heart away, but God had the only other key, and when he came into my heart I could not turn him away.
The key he used was a young man, who was able to gently remove the chains that I had lived with for so long, and coax my heart to trust bit by bit. He never turned away, and I gave him reason more than enough times, but he never ever turned his back. I did what I could to hold onto this Beautiful Key to my heart, but God had other plans, and another test for me. My best friend and lover moved on in his life to a lover far greater than just me. He went to serve his country, and in so doing he moved away, and it has been so hard on my heart, but let me tell you.... That phone call, and his voice takes those blurry grey shade and clears my sight and suddenly there is color and clarity and love, and without him, and God, I would not ever know what those color were.
God is so beautiful, and great! God is Love, and the only true love of my life.
I know I am no angel... but for God My imperfections and sharp edges might be the key he has crafted to fit only a specific heart. Maybe I am a rake to tend his garden, or a wind to spread his word... but whatever it is that I am.... I am for God.... Because when I only saw the darkness... There He was.
