Beauty In the Debris

As my life began to crash around me, and I was in my lowest part of my life.
Between an eviction and the confusion I was ready to give up.  I didn't know where to turn, the knife was on the ledge of my bathtub, for nearly a week before I made him put it away, and never speak of it again.  He looked at me, and he saw the pain, but he didn't ask he put it away like the good friend that he is.  Without my friends I would not have made it, and that is because humans were not made to walk alone.

I am here watching Gods work unfold around me, and I am so grateful to God, because as my personal Castle crumbled I noticed something amazing, under all my additions and an towers and turrets, was a little hut, as my cement crumbled, the vines grew to protect the part of me that I refused to face, And as my own pride and anger and guilt faded a light soft and pure spread through the vines, and engulfed my world.  The clouds parted, and I saw myself as God wanted me to, as his child.  And for the first time ever, I fell to my knees in his presence, but I didn't crawl I threw my arms out to God and held on tight.

I refuse to sink again.

-Crystal-

In The Darkness Comes the Love of God

There is a time when nothing seems right, and everything appears dark and blurry.  Life seems to be a grey toned existence, and light seems muted. Bright ideas and and music or conversions grate on every nerve that is left exposed.  It can be simple like your siblings noticing you got a promotion and praising you, or your parents saying that they are proud of you and your accomplishments.

Sometimes pain just is a phase, sometimes stress is a never ending battle thats when you realize you dont remember why you are stressed.  That is when you decide how to handle it, and sometimes the doctors wont listen to you, and they wont accept what is happening as out of the normal range of stress, but it somehow is.  You have never had to deal with it before in your life, and now you are expected to just know how to make it stop.  Little thing become so big there seems to be no way to push through them, and now you are lost and hopeless.  You now have some choices.... but you dont see them yet.

In this Anxiety that never seems to go away, you feel the need to never stop moving, and at the end you cant and you feel trapped, and you might might want to end it all... You probably dont know where to turn, you might despise yourself and anyone who loves you, but where does this get you?  Why are you here?  What is the bigger picture?  What is on the other side of all this pain, anger, guilt and hate?

Could it be love?
A love so big and terrifying that you are shrinking away from it?
An undeniable love?

Well I have had my fair share of pain and anger and guilt and hatred toward myself, but now I am sitting here looking at all of the pieces of my spirit, and personality that I have left behind, how humbled I am by the love people have shown me, and the support I have found in places I was afraid of....

The way my fear has panned out as just that: fear.  God never left me alone, and when I was scared he sat there and let me be afraid, he let me be in his presence, and heal As much as I was willing to, and I was scared of this freedom so true and pure.  I locked my heart away, but God had the only other key, and when he came into my heart I could not turn him away.

The key he used was a young man, who was able to gently remove the chains that I had lived with for so long, and coax my heart to trust bit by bit.  He never turned away, and I gave him reason more than enough times, but he never ever turned his back.  I did what I could to hold onto this Beautiful Key to my heart, but God had other plans, and another test for me.  My best friend and lover moved on in his life to a lover far greater than just me.  He went to serve his country, and in so doing he moved away, and it has been so hard on my heart, but let me tell you.... That phone call, and his voice takes those blurry grey shade and clears my sight and suddenly there is color and clarity and love, and without him, and God, I would not ever know what those color were.

God is so beautiful, and great!  God is Love, and the only true love of my life.
I know I am no angel... but for God My imperfections and sharp edges might be the key he has crafted to fit only a specific heart.  Maybe I am a rake to tend his garden, or a wind to spread his word... but whatever it is that I am.... I am for God.... Because when I only saw the darkness... There He was.

Smiling in pain.

Smiling re wires your brain to be happy.
Try it.

Breath For Him

When his eyes fade
When the tears wont fall
When you're realizing
He's already gone.

And your heart is sore
You can take no more.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

When the life drains out
Of you babies eyes
When you hold his hand
But he never cries.

And his body's cold
But you cant let go.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Dont you dare
Let his death
Be your life
Hold you back.

Take a step
And then one more
Before you realize that
You're at the door.

Dont you run.
Dont dare scream.
Dont you dare
Give up your dream.

Because as his eyes fade
As his blood cooled
As his soul left
He became a part of you.

So take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Take a breath.
And he's gone.

                                        -Crystal-
  

I want to love again, but I don't know how.

I've been injured to the core,
My heart is just so sore,
Cant take the pain no more,
And I cant hit the floor.

Here we go again,
I just cant take this pain,
I think his name was gain,
Now I will need that Crane.

I must dig so far,
These mind curtains like a bar,
Feel like they are made from tar,
When did I get this scar?

So deep,
I cant seem to sleep,
And when I do I peep,
Into the secrets I keep.

In my fucking mind,
I want to come untied,
Get rid of all the fried,
Images only I can find.

I don't know how to live,
I don't know how to give,
Living is all I grieve,
I wish I could just forgive.

I am having a god damned cow,
Someone cooked a crow,
I want to be done now,
I want to love, but I don't know how.

Forgive, but forget?

Forgive him they said,
It will make you feel better,
Forget about it they said,
And it could have been so much worse.

Move on they said,
Forgive and forget,
And forget,
Just forget.

Forgetting is not an option any more,
I can forgive him,
And I can say that with my integrity,
Still in tact.

I will never ever forget
What he did to me,
or the pain,
He gave me.

What he took from me
I will never ever get back,
So for my own sanity I Forgive,
But forget?

Never.

-Crystal-

Insomnia

The Mayo Clinic

A summery from the Insomnia Page in the Mayo Clinic Site, is quite interesting:
There are basically 2 types of insomnia, one is long lasting or chronic, and one is shorter term or acute.  They both manifest in any combination of these symptoms: fall asleep, stay asleep, wake up early, or go back to sleep.  Most adults need 7 to 10 hours and insomnia is when you get less than 7 hours a night for somewhere between 7 days to 1 month you might have insomnia.  Insomnia is not only a reason that people are tired, it saps energy causing exhaustion, and negatively effects health both emotionally AND physically (No coffee does not fix the exhaustion, nor does it help after 3:00 pm).

This was my late night insomniac research on why i cant sleep.

-Crystal-
*site linked at top of page*

When you think the Trigger is over, but It isnt

Dear Readers,
A lesson I have learned the hard way that I hope you wont have to:
Triggers are good and bad, emotional triggers are by definition:

An Emotional Trigger is a response to a person, situation, event, dialogue, reading, film, or other content providing entity, that provokes a strong emotional reaction. Often we are not self aware when we are triggered, and fall into reacting prior to sifting through our strong emotional response.
-Google definitions-

Sometimes it is a little thing in a movie that makes you cry, and sometimes it is the look someone gives you of utter disapproval, or the punctuation in words that someone used to prove their point, or the way someone tries to prove their superiority every time they see you.

It gets the the point sometimes where a single person being within your general proximity is all it takes to trigger a negative or positive reaction.  I have 2 of them, one triggers the good even when he is angry, and the other the bad even when she is happy.

What I mean is, that when I am with my mom, and I try to tell her how well I am doing, I feel like the bad is all she will hear.  I love that she wants to take care of me, and all that, but I hate that I have to feel like I am in debt to her and paying it off for the rest of my life.  No, I don't "love" her.  I feel like she abandoned me, like she gave me up again and again, like she attempted to create a monster out of me.  Now that I don't rely on her, or trust her, or even love her she is trying to buy me back.  What she does not know is I cant be bought, and I love my sisters more than anyone else in the world, and that blood IS thicker than ink on paper.  Memories don't just vanish.  And pain can not and will not just disappear.  I refuse to feel this way, so I am cutting out the trigger.

Goodbye for now,
-Crystal-

Finding the happy in the Sad

source 1

Sometimes when you are sad a great coping skill is to:
"Call your mom. Or your dad. Or your favorite aunt, or your grandma"
Sometimes your favorite person is not your best friend, but the person who taught you how to love.  Sometimes they are blood, and sometimes they are heart bonds that are just to strong to sever no matter how hard you try.

A summery from my first source is that guilty pleasures are not "guilty" spoiling yourself gives you a reason to love yourself, and not all of those things are bad.  Everything in Moderation.... but, don't excuse being childish or blowing off work or chores for those things, prioritize your life and fit in those little blessed moments of self indulgence just to be the one who makes yourself smile.

Source 2 

"Every day is a new opportunity to be better than yesterday; that pursuit can increase your self-esteem and, accordingly, your happiness."

"Finding joy in the present moment, no matter how inadequate it may seem, makes a difference in other people’s lives."

Conclusion:

Some people really think that being happy is a choice, although people with depression can fall into the mindset that nothing will help, and that there is only 1 way out, that is not always true.  Sometimes instead of trying to show other people how happy they make you, being happy around them can make them happy and in turn increase your mood as well.  although this article deals with sadness and not really a depression mindset these two quotes are definitely true and EVEN helpful if the depression does not have you curled up in a corner searching for someone to understand you.

source 3

Depression is a "mental illness" it is not a joke, and it is not made up.  Just because it cannot be seen from the outside, people believe so many lies about it.  Sometimes all it takes  is a little medication to fix it, and sometimes the medications make it worse because your body starts to look and feel different.

So whatever the case is, Someone else is there, and even if they are not, you can be there for you too.

-Crystal-

It never gets easier.... It just Changes

It never gets easier to hear.  It never gets easier to accept.  It never gets easier to understand why a man would RAPE a woman.

But when it happens to someone you know, and you know the victim, and you are in the seat she is in.  They tell you what he did to her, not by the words they say, but by the words they don't say.

Even when they don't say who it is, but you know.  And you know because you haven't seen her post, or your friends banter with her for days.  You know because your good friend sleeps at her house, and makes angry posts about Rape.  You just KNOW.

They wont confirm it, but they she is okay.  But that life will change now that the authorities are involved, and they know, and they are doing their jobs, but it will never be the same for her again.  She will never feel beautiful and sexy like she used too.  Her clothing will change, and she will hide herself away.  And she will feel like an object to be stolen and used, until she breaks.... and then what?

And then what?

I've been there right where she is now.

And I've dropped off the face of the Earth too.

I get it from her prospective.

But it NEVER gets easier to hear, but my prospective CHANGED with time... Will hers?

-Crystal-

Bah to Ahhh... Quotes and stuff that help me just... chill!

The past may hurt, but it is creating your future.

Dear Lord, yes to so many things, court, rape, pain, and some people too.

Gaaaah, right in the feelz.... I am so weird... but I'm here!

Sadness, anger, self hated and fear of rejection are mine... what are yours?

I abolished it; because, quitting leads to feeling depressed due to believing that you let yourself fail, so just DON'T QUIT!

THIS IS LIFE FOLKS!

Well Said, courage Is all you ever need!


-Crystal-

Help Me find new Material Please?

Dear Reader,
It has been a while since I wrote, first my computer became a butt, and decided not to charge until I sat is at weird angles and jiggled the cord just right, but all that aside... Let's look at the last week.

This week has been hard, and painful, but also good and wonderful.  Blah and Ya: all at once.  Additionally I have lost some people I thought I would always have, and gained some people I thought I would NEVER have the way I do.  I got many people, and I WILL call them up and check in with them and offer them hope, but now there are people who do the same for me, and it feels great!  It is a miracle that these people are near me, and that they know how much they mean to me, and how big of a part they are in my life.  I don't know what I would do without these 3 most amazing and wonderful people I am so privileged to know!

I have also come to a point, where I am not inspired by my story, If you would like to comment topics that you personally struggle with and I will dedicate time to research this specific issue and do 1 of 2 things:
A) find you some ONLINE resources and Link them In a post that will be titled I Don't Know Anything about _______ Subject, but these people seem to.... So here is what I found, and the first line will look like this: Dear _your name (or Anon if you prefer)_,
Here is what I was able to find, as I am no expert on this and can't say I have experienced I have linked some web sites to this page for you, and I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.
OR
B) I will do my research regardless of my personal experiance with the subject and compose SOME SORT of composition.

***This is a politics free page***
**I will not help you find resources to harm yourself OR others EVER**
*I will NEVER promote emotional damage on this page, so be kind*

READY...?
Set...
GO!

Family Is Not Blood

in the foster care system at 6 months old family is the person feeding you and changing your diapers maybe drying your tears and kissing your face, but at 5 years old you are aware that you don't belong where you are.  At 2 years old, you have achieved the innate ability to detach, and a crippling fear of attachment.

This is called reactive attachment disorder, and it is not an easy diagnoses... the symptoms can be subtle or violent, it can be influenced by the personalities of the children and the caretakers.  Sometimes having a "family" changes everything and sometimes "family" changes nothing, and sometimes it takes being 20 years old and saying I want to fix this, I want to connect.  I want to be okay,

My FAMILY consists of a Mother and Father, 4 Sisters, and 6 Brothers THEY ARE THE BEST! I WOULD NOT TRADE THEM FOR THE WORLD.  

I Love You Guys!

-Crystal-

Gratitude

I have a brother: Mark.
I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Seeing him happy, makes me happy.

These are the moments to live for guys...

So I am going to enjoy the time I have with him :)

Depression

I have found myself wavering between being angry and rejecting everything good in my life, and just sad and crying for no fucking reason.  The fluctuation happens in a matter of seconds.  I will be tired, and lay down, I feel the tears start, the heaviness in my body... I am not "sad" and I have no reason to be, I am exhausted and worried and and thinking about my day, and even the wonderful things when I think about them seem to make my heart ache for a second when life didn't seem so... heavy.   And then I get angry, And I blame myself for everything that has ever happened bad in my life, and I want to die because I am so Mad that the tears wont stop, and I don't understand why they even started; because, depression does not always have a trigger.  Depression just happens.  It happens at work, and I push through the day, pretending I am okay, and hyper, and happy and in love with my job.  It happens at night when I get home, and I just feel to heavy to drag myself past the place where I crumpled to the floor after locking myself in, and even if someone brings me food I loath myself for being to weak to go get it and burdening someone else.  It happens in the middle of the night when I wake up to go pee, and I just cant bring my self to walk 10 steps back to my bed.  It happens in the morning, when I don't think about hitting the snooze on my alarm, or about staying in bed, or about calling in sick for a day off; because, pretending I am okay is the key to keeping myself alive.  So don't tell me this and that will help, and don't tell me to look on the bright side, for there isn't a dark side at all, there is no physical reason to feel this way, there is no trigger, no pain, no injustice... there is nothing.
This is called depression.

-Crystal-

Remorse of the Day After

I apologize for last night, I was very down when I wrote that.  Parts of it were so clouded by the terror within my soul that I could not even write with my usual eloquence.  Be that as it may, I am but 20 years old, and still experiencing pain in a child like way.  When I feel the terror to my core, and I feel immobilized, and the tears start, and I don't know why, but they wont stop.  And I beg people to stay only to later push them away... Well that's me in the midst of pain.

sometimes the dark is the only hope of finding light

I apologize for putting myself down, and for rejecting my own feelings as invalid, for I am sure that put no one at ease, to share their innermost feelings, but I don't judge you.  Not for what you go through daily or how you handle that...

All I can say is that I am lucky to have the amazing friends that I have, and I love them all very much.

sometimes the light needs the dark to be beautiful.

Thank you all for finding hope in yourselves; because, without hope we are nothing.  Hope is what makes the world a place worth fighting for.  Hope is why I am alive today.  Hope is and always will be all it takes to keep the world moving forward Generation by Generation.  Please don't give up on you.  You are a beautiful creation.  You are a beloved child, and a perfect personification of the most high.

Whatever it took to get you to today, always remember... there are people out there who can help you get to tomorrow.  Angels are as versatile as humans AND demons, so use caution but never, ever, give up on hope entirely.

-Crystal-

I think.... I am not OK

I have been trying to be positive and give hope every post, but the truth is that right now I am struggling to know what that is... Hope I mean.

I keep believing that the pain will end, that the memories will eventually hurt less, but no... They just don't.

Physically they kept me safe, but emotionally I am ruined... Why?  After 6 years, well 5 years and 5 months I guess... is the pain so fresh?

Guys.... I am going to be okay... I am going to live, and grow and learn and work, but inside... I keep being reborn and then I die again and again, and I never know how long in between, or what will kill me the next time... 

Or the next.

I just want to be Okay again.

Someone please understand that I am trying to survive the night...
Please hear me...

OMG... tears just never end.

-Crystal-

Depression is Crippling, you can win OR JUST EVOLVE

They say we evolved over time to be what we are today, and they say we adapt to survive in the environment we are put into.

Depression can come from many things, and I don't know where yours stems from, but mine... mine I do.  It is crippling, and I have been in tears since he left.  I feel abandoned, like he wont ever come home, but he probably will.  Even though in my head.... I know these things, my body keeps reacting.  The tears, the panic, the short breath, the pain in my back and neck, the headache, the desire to curl up in my unmade bed where he woke me up with kisses and cuddles.  The desire to search the house for something, anything of his he might have left behind, that I can hold on to.

Panic sweeps my body.  The tears start.  Then the shakes.  And then this, what is happening now, right before it all starts over again... This is the eye of the storm, where I can see everything that is happening and scramble to fix it.  Right now, my friend is here, he is outside smoking, he might believe that I am looking for a movie to watch, and he doesn't understand why I wont watch it in my room on my comfy bed, but would rather lay on the floor, sometimes within his reach, but mostly just beyond.

My head is exploding, and the urge to run is so strong, and I think it is the only way to make this God Damned Pain End, but I can't do that again; because, I am "adulting," for that is all I can do.

They say we adapt, and I am living proof of that.  I am alive, and that is enough proof for me.  All the pain seems too much, so I raise my threshold of tolerance.  I smile.  I get up.  I live.  Even as a shell, somewhere deep down I have a will, and I force it to stay, and therefor I win through adaptation, and change.

I am Evolution Personified....
Truth is, I still want to die...
It isn't my time yet...
Fact is the same, and I long for death, but I am here and alive.

-Crystal-

Tell me again, and I will be okay.

DEAR READER,

Last night was a hard one, I fell back into that crippling pain, and sadness.  I began to get trapped within my head.  I texted and called friend after friend, but nobody had time to talk... let alone come over.  I posted to Facebook.com,  that I was willing to have company, and when I did get a hit, it was from someone I had not seen in nearly a month.  we messed around, he found an old picture on my phone from when I had first moved to my apartment (of us kissing) he posted it as my profile! (that jerk)... So I retaliated set my relationship status to with him, and stole his phone and approved it!

This was all fun and games, until we took it all down, and I realized I was no less depressed.  So what did I need...?  I went back and looked at the people I had messaged that night and then it hit me.... All I needed to hear was that I am loved now, and was loved then, and that is all.

My friends sent me bible verses, memes, and over all love, some sent concern, others just a word of love.

So to all my readers out there today, and I have no idea how many of you will see this, I just wanted to leave you a generalized message, so you can apply it to yourself when all you need to know is that you are worth it on this Earth whether you see it or not:

Somewhere out there right now, someone knows you, and they are thinking about you.  I don't know you, but you have found your way to my blog... so if you have read anything else on it (I would not recommend it... its a lot of venting) you can see you are NOT alone.  This world is a scary place, only together can we make it better.

I hope I have given you a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  But the tunnel will close in again.  It wont EVER stop being hard.  You wont Ever stop missing whoever it is you are missing.  But don't you ever think that suicide is the only way out.

Just don't believe it.

Belief becomes reality, and reality becomes emotional, but emotions determine your beliefs.

You are so worth it.

You are an amazing creation, put upon this earth by whatever or whom ever you believe in (even if that is just your moms vagina)!

The world wont be the same without you in it.

Love and be Loved Forever;

-Crystal-

That quiet voice, speaks the utmost truth

I thought you knew...
That I would never do this to you.
That I would never ever hurt you like you want me to.
That despite it all, I am here.

You are my sister.
You are someone I love, and yet...
Who am I?

The ugly duckling?
Naw, I am a model.

The pretty one?
No way, she too fat.

So who am I to you?
Oh wait I know:
The failure,
Stupid,
Space fill,
Fun,
Good fuck,
One Night,
unwanted piece of shit, 
you let me believe this.

Nope,
I am myself.
And, Nope,
You Cant Change Me.

-Crystal_

I am not who you say I am, but I am still depressed.

You told me I was Raped.
That I should remember it.
2 days after it happened.  
On my birthday, when you found out.

you told me what he did to me,
That he was evil,
2 days after he raped me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

You told me what to tell them,
That you could protect me.
2 days after he loved me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

What you didn't tell me was bigger than any of that.
What you didn't tell me eventually broke my heart.
What you didn't tell me is what you couldn't know.
How out of "love" greed could grow.

You did what he did,
You got away with it,
You hid behind the "great parent" mask.
If you didn't abuse me...
Why then can I not tell my friends the "worst thing my mom did?"

You have manipulated everything in my life!
I am done!

I didn't say I was raped,
Because I didn't remember.
2 days after it happened, 
On my birthday, when you found out.

I told them that I didn't know,
That he was good to me,
2 days he raped me.
On my birthday when you found out.

I told them the truth,
When you dragged me in to talk to strangers,
2 days after he loved me,
On my birthday, when you found out.

He was good to me!
He taught me to be grateful, 
What it was like to be the center of attention, positively.

But he raped me.

I  tell you that I was raped,
And I remember it.
6 years after it happened.
At midnight, with the windows locked.

I can tell you what he did to me,
And he had a sickness,
6 years after he raped me,
At noon, in my work place.

I can no longer tell them,
And you made it worse.
6 years after he loved me,
In the morning, as I am showering.

Trying to scrub away the pain that you both left.

Trying to scrub away my past.

Trying to start over.

Someone please kill me... I don't have the strength to try any more.

Fake smiles and sunshine.
*this is my release*

-Crystal-

This is what I am Now

You told me that I was "one of his victims"
I was not just one of anything.
I stood up and spoke out about crimes
You did a little bit of nothing.

I had shut down all the memories,
The more you hedged
The less I looked for testimonies
And he was reported as "alleged"

He did to me things
I don't want to remember
He threatened spiritual beings,
Not just me but my sister.

So you wonder why I never told you?
He said he would kill her.
You wonder why I don't love you?
Why don't you ask her.

I didn't remember the truth,                                        
So I refused to lie, and through it all you called me a lier.
But now I remember it all.
From the day it began,
That very first day in December.

Your going to see that month, and ask yourself...
Does she mean January?
No, December nearly 14 years earlier.
So take what I love but not who.

It was me that he raped,
Not you.

                                                                  -Crystal-

People Always Have Something to say

Dearest Reader,
I try to post on here when I can, and I know I suck at this whole thing, so when I blog multiple times a day, its just because I know that I will be busy most of the time, so posting is my relief in the down time.
If I could work all day every day I would, and if I could have someone to be with every second of every day, I'd take that too, but I don't.  It would not be healthy if I did, but its hard for me to be stuck in my head, and this is my way to release it.  On that note, my dear friend was a victim of a pedophile, he was very young when it happened.  This young man IS straight, and yet he was molested by a man, and he is not the only one.  I only know what he has said, but I understand that in these cases the words don't come out, sometimes for years.  I want you all to know that this young man is SOOOOOO brave, and he went and reported the man, and that is just 1 more testimony that will stop this evil man from striking again.  I love this kid like my brother, and I am so proud of him!
I just wanted to shout out to all the Sexual Assault and Rape victims out there:
RISE UP, WE STAND STRONG TOGETHER!
We stand together, and I am proud of all you pushing through each hard day!
Thriving is HARD, and together WE WILL DO IT!
"We are strong, Heartache to Heartache We stand."
-Pat Benatar

LETS RISE!
-Crystal

Lets End Suicide With Love!

Slut Shaming is Real

I can wear what I want
I don't need your permission to wear the shirts I want.
If I want to walk around in booty shorts and a tube top,
that is MY RIGHT, and I can do that if I want to!

Get off you shame wagon.

If he cant keep his eyes up, then maybe you are with the wrong man..?

thoughts I have daily!

I have boobs, and

I like them, so

STFU and keep your mouth shut about it,

BAM!

I can also look like this.....
so... IDK.

Dearest Heart,
I love you so.
Dearest heart,
You let me go.
And from the pain, 
The evil springs,
Ripping to shreds,
Many things.

Like love,
And Joy,
And Happiness.

Like peace,
And hope,
Can you give it a rest?

No I cant!
You ugly beast! 

You took away my everything!

as you sit laughing at my pain,
What oh what do u have to gain?
Is my tears not quite enough?
FUCK YOU HEART I CALL YOUR BLUFF!  

Told you,
you cant keep it up!

fake happiness is still pretty, pictures teach me how to cheat.

modeling fake smiles in the cool before the sun.

Cant keep it up though.... never could get it right.

Cramps and speculation

Dear Reader,
I am not trying to have a pity party over here, I am trying to survive.  So if It gets too dark just know its how I find my light.  I am a young one.  A mere 20 years to my life, but my soul aches like that of a grandmother for this world.
We are here, we are learning and growing everyday, and we keep expanding our knowledge of the universe, trying to prove there is something or someone else out there, but what if we really are alone in this?  Think about how close to death sleep is, and what if this whole thing is only a dream, and what if when we sleep we are dreaming within a dream, and that's how we discover layers within ourselves that we never knew existed.  what if the "rules" of society that define us are just the ideals instilled in the sub conscious of the dreamer, and when he or she wakes up, we are nothing but a memory that fades quickly from their mind, or hangs around for a day, in which they tell their friends about this wonderful, weird, scary and crazy dream they had the night before.
What if the reason there appears to be an "end of the universe" is because that is where the subconscious becomes conscious, and morals become actions.  What if the reason that we as humans pull together as often as we do, is because we are all part of the same eventual whole, that created us, and maybe the reason that we cant ever truly "forget a face" is because we are really all united.
what if each new era, and "awakening" or idealistic change, is not dependent on repeat history but on the day that the dreamer has had.  What if the reason that we believe in a creative God, is because we are part of a creative brain.  And as such, we are a dream, and the one is so much bigger than all of us little brain cells.
So what is suicide then? A cancer.  It is a cell turning against its self over and over, and no matter what the other cells try to do, its too late for that cell, and the infection spreads out from that cell first to those closest to it, and then to those further away.
What is murder? It is white blood cells taking over, and getting rid of cells deemed "unnecessary" right and wrong no longer matter because it is biology, and until it is time to eliminate more, theses cells are isolated from the others.
Why do some people have natural athletic talent? maybe because they were born to work.
Why are some naturally "bossy"? maybe because these "bosses" keep the brain alive.
So why pollution, or pain, or war.  this dreamer may be unhealthy, or maybe in our quest to be "God" and/or find "God" we have inadvertently, or subconsciously killed our host.
I dont know,
but food for thought.
-Crystal

happy

Hey you...
How is it?
To smile, and mean it?
To not be afraid of your heart breaking into 1,000 tiny pieces on the floor, and watching elephants walk over the remains.
Hi there, I don't know what you mean by that, but I am guessing that is depression you are referring to as "elephants" right? In that case, I wouldn't be human IF I COULD answer that dear. Without dark, there is no light, and without light there is ONLY Dark.  We are the light.
I only wish you knew how scared I am...
I only wish you understood the pain...
I only wish you understood the depth...
I only wish...
I only wish...
I am not going to wish to understand the depth of the ocean... So don't wish it for me.  I love, I hurt.
Join me in love and pleasure, welcome the pain, let the anger flow in one ear out the other, and relax princess, we got this.
-Crystal

Dear ___, I love you

burned my Arm, and refused to treat it.

It's a really ugly scar, now people ask about it.

Dearest _________ (insert your name here),
I love you.  I don't know you, and I don't know where you have been in this life, but I do know that you are a human, and that you have a beautiful soul.  I don't know your messed up past, and trust me I have one too, but I know that in the end, the bells will come for you.  (The Bells by Edgar Allan Poe) There are things that I wish that I had done, there are times that I wished I had been a better friend, that maybe then I would not feel like a turned my back as he plunged over the edge of despair.  My best friend, and the first real friend I have ever really thought about AFTER I cut him out of my life, after I thought I had preserved my heart, and then he died.  The effect of his death was like a tsunami, It was like getting hit by a moving wall of water ( a substance that is supposed to be fluid and forgiving) that feels like a wall made of bricks.  And then there were all those things I was trying to forget, the parts of my past that I just couldn't leave behind me where they belong, but kept dragging with me.  If I had to throw a party, I would, but it would resemble the read death as portrayed by my favorite Author of horror Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. The Masque of the Red Death 
As you can tell, every time I think that something is good, well there is always this dark and twisted, grotesque yet beautifully dead side to it.  See I could list all the ways that fixating on DEATH is BAD, or whatever, but all the therapists, and doctors already told you that.  What I am about to say might blow your mind though...
Death is NOT bad, it is NOT good.  It Just Is.
So why do we go around fearing it?  The doctors do.
Or longing for it? Don't lie, if you didn't you would not have gotten this far.
Death Is A Novelty BECAUSE It's Unknown!
Where do you go when you die?  Why do you die?  Do you "go" anywhere?  Is there a reason you are alive? Will you get to see your ______ (enter dead family member)? Is there a God? Is heaven real? What is Hell... haven't I been through it already?  Hell cant be that bad...  when I die, does my spirit float out into the universe and become a bright new star? I could go on forever, but I will stop because I HAD a point, and I am ABOUT to make it.
Life frickin' sucks, it has all these "bad" things in it, and we know what it is like to be alive, but DEATH is a novelty, and is thought of as an "escape" from life.  In reality: DEATH is unknown, you might end up right back her (shocked face) OR in Hell (whatever that means) OR Heaven (boring) or you can live your life knowing one thing:
You Will Get Hurt, But You ARE Strong, and YOU Can Make It.
Push On Soldier, Doctor, Nurse, Mom, Dad, Friend, Stranger or (inter random occupation or title)
YOU ARE AMAZING YOU HUMAN BEING YOU!
Love,
-Crystal

Brothers Sister

I found out that my close friend and someone i see as my sister is in the hospital. not because people at school bully her, but because her own brother bullies her, and her other brother passed away. Often in these cases people like blame the parents, but the saddest part is that he messages her out of the blue. He waits till she thinks it is all over and then he strikes again, and there is nothing the parents can do. So to all you who say "I can do that to her because she is my sister." think again... you might hurt her more than you know.
I apologize to all my sibs I have said that to, and may you always know that I love you unconditionally.

Life's Lessons

Life is like a loaded .50 Cal revolver. Only there is a single bullet that will end you and all the other stuff is unknown obstacles. You don't hold this hand gun, no, life does. You are a human, life shoots and aims true and you cant dodge the bullet, so you take it and push on. This is the pessimistic voice, but on the off day that my stronger self quiets the sobbing girl within me, I can see that life isn't the "bad guy" but the teacher of all teachers. And all life shoots me with are lessons. So cry on heart. I got this.
-Crystal.