Remorse of the Day After

I apologize for last night, I was very down when I wrote that.  Parts of it were so clouded by the terror within my soul that I could not even write with my usual eloquence.  Be that as it may, I am but 20 years old, and still experiencing pain in a child like way.  When I feel the terror to my core, and I feel immobilized, and the tears start, and I don't know why, but they wont stop.  And I beg people to stay only to later push them away... Well that's me in the midst of pain.

sometimes the dark is the only hope of finding light

I apologize for putting myself down, and for rejecting my own feelings as invalid, for I am sure that put no one at ease, to share their innermost feelings, but I don't judge you.  Not for what you go through daily or how you handle that...

All I can say is that I am lucky to have the amazing friends that I have, and I love them all very much.

sometimes the light needs the dark to be beautiful.

Thank you all for finding hope in yourselves; because, without hope we are nothing.  Hope is what makes the world a place worth fighting for.  Hope is why I am alive today.  Hope is and always will be all it takes to keep the world moving forward Generation by Generation.  Please don't give up on you.  You are a beautiful creation.  You are a beloved child, and a perfect personification of the most high.

Whatever it took to get you to today, always remember... there are people out there who can help you get to tomorrow.  Angels are as versatile as humans AND demons, so use caution but never, ever, give up on hope entirely.

-Crystal-

I think.... I am not OK

I have been trying to be positive and give hope every post, but the truth is that right now I am struggling to know what that is... Hope I mean.

I keep believing that the pain will end, that the memories will eventually hurt less, but no... They just don't.

Physically they kept me safe, but emotionally I am ruined... Why?  After 6 years, well 5 years and 5 months I guess... is the pain so fresh?

Guys.... I am going to be okay... I am going to live, and grow and learn and work, but inside... I keep being reborn and then I die again and again, and I never know how long in between, or what will kill me the next time... 

Or the next.

I just want to be Okay again.

Someone please understand that I am trying to survive the night...
Please hear me...

OMG... tears just never end.

-Crystal-

Depression is Crippling, you can win OR JUST EVOLVE

They say we evolved over time to be what we are today, and they say we adapt to survive in the environment we are put into.

Depression can come from many things, and I don't know where yours stems from, but mine... mine I do.  It is crippling, and I have been in tears since he left.  I feel abandoned, like he wont ever come home, but he probably will.  Even though in my head.... I know these things, my body keeps reacting.  The tears, the panic, the short breath, the pain in my back and neck, the headache, the desire to curl up in my unmade bed where he woke me up with kisses and cuddles.  The desire to search the house for something, anything of his he might have left behind, that I can hold on to.

Panic sweeps my body.  The tears start.  Then the shakes.  And then this, what is happening now, right before it all starts over again... This is the eye of the storm, where I can see everything that is happening and scramble to fix it.  Right now, my friend is here, he is outside smoking, he might believe that I am looking for a movie to watch, and he doesn't understand why I wont watch it in my room on my comfy bed, but would rather lay on the floor, sometimes within his reach, but mostly just beyond.

My head is exploding, and the urge to run is so strong, and I think it is the only way to make this God Damned Pain End, but I can't do that again; because, I am "adulting," for that is all I can do.

They say we adapt, and I am living proof of that.  I am alive, and that is enough proof for me.  All the pain seems too much, so I raise my threshold of tolerance.  I smile.  I get up.  I live.  Even as a shell, somewhere deep down I have a will, and I force it to stay, and therefor I win through adaptation, and change.

I am Evolution Personified....
Truth is, I still want to die...
It isn't my time yet...
Fact is the same, and I long for death, but I am here and alive.

-Crystal-

Tell me again, and I will be okay.

DEAR READER,

Last night was a hard one, I fell back into that crippling pain, and sadness.  I began to get trapped within my head.  I texted and called friend after friend, but nobody had time to talk... let alone come over.  I posted to Facebook.com,  that I was willing to have company, and when I did get a hit, it was from someone I had not seen in nearly a month.  we messed around, he found an old picture on my phone from when I had first moved to my apartment (of us kissing) he posted it as my profile! (that jerk)... So I retaliated set my relationship status to with him, and stole his phone and approved it!

This was all fun and games, until we took it all down, and I realized I was no less depressed.  So what did I need...?  I went back and looked at the people I had messaged that night and then it hit me.... All I needed to hear was that I am loved now, and was loved then, and that is all.

My friends sent me bible verses, memes, and over all love, some sent concern, others just a word of love.

So to all my readers out there today, and I have no idea how many of you will see this, I just wanted to leave you a generalized message, so you can apply it to yourself when all you need to know is that you are worth it on this Earth whether you see it or not:

Somewhere out there right now, someone knows you, and they are thinking about you.  I don't know you, but you have found your way to my blog... so if you have read anything else on it (I would not recommend it... its a lot of venting) you can see you are NOT alone.  This world is a scary place, only together can we make it better.

I hope I have given you a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  But the tunnel will close in again.  It wont EVER stop being hard.  You wont Ever stop missing whoever it is you are missing.  But don't you ever think that suicide is the only way out.

Just don't believe it.

Belief becomes reality, and reality becomes emotional, but emotions determine your beliefs.

You are so worth it.

You are an amazing creation, put upon this earth by whatever or whom ever you believe in (even if that is just your moms vagina)!

The world wont be the same without you in it.

Love and be Loved Forever;

-Crystal-

That quiet voice, speaks the utmost truth

I thought you knew...
That I would never do this to you.
That I would never ever hurt you like you want me to.
That despite it all, I am here.

You are my sister.
You are someone I love, and yet...
Who am I?

The ugly duckling?
Naw, I am a model.

The pretty one?
No way, she too fat.

So who am I to you?
Oh wait I know:
The failure,
Stupid,
Space fill,
Fun,
Good fuck,
One Night,
unwanted piece of shit, 
you let me believe this.

Nope,
I am myself.
And, Nope,
You Cant Change Me.

-Crystal_

I am not who you say I am, but I am still depressed.

You told me I was Raped.
That I should remember it.
2 days after it happened.  
On my birthday, when you found out.

you told me what he did to me,
That he was evil,
2 days after he raped me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

You told me what to tell them,
That you could protect me.
2 days after he loved me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

What you didn't tell me was bigger than any of that.
What you didn't tell me eventually broke my heart.
What you didn't tell me is what you couldn't know.
How out of "love" greed could grow.

You did what he did,
You got away with it,
You hid behind the "great parent" mask.
If you didn't abuse me...
Why then can I not tell my friends the "worst thing my mom did?"

You have manipulated everything in my life!
I am done!

I didn't say I was raped,
Because I didn't remember.
2 days after it happened, 
On my birthday, when you found out.

I told them that I didn't know,
That he was good to me,
2 days he raped me.
On my birthday when you found out.

I told them the truth,
When you dragged me in to talk to strangers,
2 days after he loved me,
On my birthday, when you found out.

He was good to me!
He taught me to be grateful, 
What it was like to be the center of attention, positively.

But he raped me.

I  tell you that I was raped,
And I remember it.
6 years after it happened.
At midnight, with the windows locked.

I can tell you what he did to me,
And he had a sickness,
6 years after he raped me,
At noon, in my work place.

I can no longer tell them,
And you made it worse.
6 years after he loved me,
In the morning, as I am showering.

Trying to scrub away the pain that you both left.

Trying to scrub away my past.

Trying to start over.

Someone please kill me... I don't have the strength to try any more.

Fake smiles and sunshine.
*this is my release*

-Crystal-

This is what I am Now

You told me that I was "one of his victims"
I was not just one of anything.
I stood up and spoke out about crimes
You did a little bit of nothing.

I had shut down all the memories,
The more you hedged
The less I looked for testimonies
And he was reported as "alleged"

He did to me things
I don't want to remember
He threatened spiritual beings,
Not just me but my sister.

So you wonder why I never told you?
He said he would kill her.
You wonder why I don't love you?
Why don't you ask her.

I didn't remember the truth,                                        
So I refused to lie, and through it all you called me a lier.
But now I remember it all.
From the day it began,
That very first day in December.

Your going to see that month, and ask yourself...
Does she mean January?
No, December nearly 14 years earlier.
So take what I love but not who.

It was me that he raped,
Not you.

                                                                  -Crystal-

People Always Have Something to say

Dearest Reader,
I try to post on here when I can, and I know I suck at this whole thing, so when I blog multiple times a day, its just because I know that I will be busy most of the time, so posting is my relief in the down time.
If I could work all day every day I would, and if I could have someone to be with every second of every day, I'd take that too, but I don't.  It would not be healthy if I did, but its hard for me to be stuck in my head, and this is my way to release it.  On that note, my dear friend was a victim of a pedophile, he was very young when it happened.  This young man IS straight, and yet he was molested by a man, and he is not the only one.  I only know what he has said, but I understand that in these cases the words don't come out, sometimes for years.  I want you all to know that this young man is SOOOOOO brave, and he went and reported the man, and that is just 1 more testimony that will stop this evil man from striking again.  I love this kid like my brother, and I am so proud of him!
I just wanted to shout out to all the Sexual Assault and Rape victims out there:
RISE UP, WE STAND STRONG TOGETHER!
We stand together, and I am proud of all you pushing through each hard day!
Thriving is HARD, and together WE WILL DO IT!
"We are strong, Heartache to Heartache We stand."
-Pat Benatar

LETS RISE!
-Crystal

Lets End Suicide With Love!

Slut Shaming is Real

I can wear what I want
I don't need your permission to wear the shirts I want.
If I want to walk around in booty shorts and a tube top,
that is MY RIGHT, and I can do that if I want to!

Get off you shame wagon.

If he cant keep his eyes up, then maybe you are with the wrong man..?

thoughts I have daily!

I have boobs, and

I like them, so

STFU and keep your mouth shut about it,

BAM!

I can also look like this.....
so... IDK.

Dearest Heart,
I love you so.
Dearest heart,
You let me go.
And from the pain, 
The evil springs,
Ripping to shreds,
Many things.

Like love,
And Joy,
And Happiness.

Like peace,
And hope,
Can you give it a rest?

No I cant!
You ugly beast! 

You took away my everything!

as you sit laughing at my pain,
What oh what do u have to gain?
Is my tears not quite enough?
FUCK YOU HEART I CALL YOUR BLUFF!  

Told you,
you cant keep it up!

fake happiness is still pretty, pictures teach me how to cheat.

modeling fake smiles in the cool before the sun.

Cant keep it up though.... never could get it right.

Cramps and speculation

Dear Reader,
I am not trying to have a pity party over here, I am trying to survive.  So if It gets too dark just know its how I find my light.  I am a young one.  A mere 20 years to my life, but my soul aches like that of a grandmother for this world.
We are here, we are learning and growing everyday, and we keep expanding our knowledge of the universe, trying to prove there is something or someone else out there, but what if we really are alone in this?  Think about how close to death sleep is, and what if this whole thing is only a dream, and what if when we sleep we are dreaming within a dream, and that's how we discover layers within ourselves that we never knew existed.  what if the "rules" of society that define us are just the ideals instilled in the sub conscious of the dreamer, and when he or she wakes up, we are nothing but a memory that fades quickly from their mind, or hangs around for a day, in which they tell their friends about this wonderful, weird, scary and crazy dream they had the night before.
What if the reason there appears to be an "end of the universe" is because that is where the subconscious becomes conscious, and morals become actions.  What if the reason that we as humans pull together as often as we do, is because we are all part of the same eventual whole, that created us, and maybe the reason that we cant ever truly "forget a face" is because we are really all united.
what if each new era, and "awakening" or idealistic change, is not dependent on repeat history but on the day that the dreamer has had.  What if the reason that we believe in a creative God, is because we are part of a creative brain.  And as such, we are a dream, and the one is so much bigger than all of us little brain cells.
So what is suicide then? A cancer.  It is a cell turning against its self over and over, and no matter what the other cells try to do, its too late for that cell, and the infection spreads out from that cell first to those closest to it, and then to those further away.
What is murder? It is white blood cells taking over, and getting rid of cells deemed "unnecessary" right and wrong no longer matter because it is biology, and until it is time to eliminate more, theses cells are isolated from the others.
Why do some people have natural athletic talent? maybe because they were born to work.
Why are some naturally "bossy"? maybe because these "bosses" keep the brain alive.
So why pollution, or pain, or war.  this dreamer may be unhealthy, or maybe in our quest to be "God" and/or find "God" we have inadvertently, or subconsciously killed our host.
I dont know,
but food for thought.
-Crystal

happy

Hey you...
How is it?
To smile, and mean it?
To not be afraid of your heart breaking into 1,000 tiny pieces on the floor, and watching elephants walk over the remains.
Hi there, I don't know what you mean by that, but I am guessing that is depression you are referring to as "elephants" right? In that case, I wouldn't be human IF I COULD answer that dear. Without dark, there is no light, and without light there is ONLY Dark.  We are the light.
I only wish you knew how scared I am...
I only wish you understood the pain...
I only wish you understood the depth...
I only wish...
I only wish...
I am not going to wish to understand the depth of the ocean... So don't wish it for me.  I love, I hurt.
Join me in love and pleasure, welcome the pain, let the anger flow in one ear out the other, and relax princess, we got this.
-Crystal

Dear ___, I love you

burned my Arm, and refused to treat it.

It's a really ugly scar, now people ask about it.

Dearest _________ (insert your name here),
I love you.  I don't know you, and I don't know where you have been in this life, but I do know that you are a human, and that you have a beautiful soul.  I don't know your messed up past, and trust me I have one too, but I know that in the end, the bells will come for you.  (The Bells by Edgar Allan Poe) There are things that I wish that I had done, there are times that I wished I had been a better friend, that maybe then I would not feel like a turned my back as he plunged over the edge of despair.  My best friend, and the first real friend I have ever really thought about AFTER I cut him out of my life, after I thought I had preserved my heart, and then he died.  The effect of his death was like a tsunami, It was like getting hit by a moving wall of water ( a substance that is supposed to be fluid and forgiving) that feels like a wall made of bricks.  And then there were all those things I was trying to forget, the parts of my past that I just couldn't leave behind me where they belong, but kept dragging with me.  If I had to throw a party, I would, but it would resemble the read death as portrayed by my favorite Author of horror Mr. Edgar Allan Poe. The Masque of the Red Death 
As you can tell, every time I think that something is good, well there is always this dark and twisted, grotesque yet beautifully dead side to it.  See I could list all the ways that fixating on DEATH is BAD, or whatever, but all the therapists, and doctors already told you that.  What I am about to say might blow your mind though...
Death is NOT bad, it is NOT good.  It Just Is.
So why do we go around fearing it?  The doctors do.
Or longing for it? Don't lie, if you didn't you would not have gotten this far.
Death Is A Novelty BECAUSE It's Unknown!
Where do you go when you die?  Why do you die?  Do you "go" anywhere?  Is there a reason you are alive? Will you get to see your ______ (enter dead family member)? Is there a God? Is heaven real? What is Hell... haven't I been through it already?  Hell cant be that bad...  when I die, does my spirit float out into the universe and become a bright new star? I could go on forever, but I will stop because I HAD a point, and I am ABOUT to make it.
Life frickin' sucks, it has all these "bad" things in it, and we know what it is like to be alive, but DEATH is a novelty, and is thought of as an "escape" from life.  In reality: DEATH is unknown, you might end up right back her (shocked face) OR in Hell (whatever that means) OR Heaven (boring) or you can live your life knowing one thing:
You Will Get Hurt, But You ARE Strong, and YOU Can Make It.
Push On Soldier, Doctor, Nurse, Mom, Dad, Friend, Stranger or (inter random occupation or title)
YOU ARE AMAZING YOU HUMAN BEING YOU!
Love,
-Crystal

Brothers Sister

I found out that my close friend and someone i see as my sister is in the hospital. not because people at school bully her, but because her own brother bullies her, and her other brother passed away. Often in these cases people like blame the parents, but the saddest part is that he messages her out of the blue. He waits till she thinks it is all over and then he strikes again, and there is nothing the parents can do. So to all you who say "I can do that to her because she is my sister." think again... you might hurt her more than you know.
I apologize to all my sibs I have said that to, and may you always know that I love you unconditionally.

Life's Lessons

Life is like a loaded .50 Cal revolver. Only there is a single bullet that will end you and all the other stuff is unknown obstacles. You don't hold this hand gun, no, life does. You are a human, life shoots and aims true and you cant dodge the bullet, so you take it and push on. This is the pessimistic voice, but on the off day that my stronger self quiets the sobbing girl within me, I can see that life isn't the "bad guy" but the teacher of all teachers. And all life shoots me with are lessons. So cry on heart. I got this.
-Crystal.

Freed slaves creed:
I am a human not a possession of another human or master. 
I am a CHILD of the most high,and not a slave but a cherished living being. 
I am on this earth to LEARN not to be protected from life lessons others deem unsavory or unnecessary.
I am Woman: a species Man has never understood but has attempted to dominate. 
I am a spiritual being.
I will submit my mind/heart/body to whom I chose, where I chose, when I chose.
Lets make purple.
---Crystal---

Intro To Me and my post Purpose

 Post Number 1:

Poetry and other things- Dealing with Depression Productively

This name:

One day I sat with my friend in his room, and we were talking about the past.  As we were talking I began to cry, and feel sorry for myself.  He told me something I will never forget: Just Because Someone LOOKS happy DOESN'T mean they are.  They are in they same pile of shit you are, they just hide it better.  Maybe they really ARE happy tough, and maybe you just need to suck it the fuck up.  I think you should write you are good at it, and years from now you can think you are depressed, but you will look back on the writing you did today, and say to your self... no, no I am NOT depressed.  So here goes.

A tiny bit about me:

I was adopted and my name was changed, from Crystal to Madisun, on this blog I WILL Sign all of my writings as Crystal.

Now, lets deal with some shit shall we?

Welcome to my Blog,

And thank you,

Crystal Destiny Brown