I cried for you.
I searched for you.
I prayed you were searching too.
I cried in the dark for an angel.
I sobbed and hid when you weren't there.
I thought I deserved this pain, I thought it was fair.
Then I found you, and you found me.
Our hearts connected, as only blood can.
Our souls clung to eachothere, and every memory surfaced.
You gave me your sweater, and it smells like you, and cigarettes.
I miss you tonight, in a way I never thought I'd miss you.
I thought this dream was a fantasy.
It's real, and I am afraid.
This is about my brothers, but especially one of them, it was just so... Perfect. I face timed him today, and after he went to bed I cried. I've lived my life accepting this as an imposibility, and yet here he is one day. And he was everything I dreamed, and he is so amazing (they all are, but this is specific) and he has reached so many of his goals. I am wearing his Sweatshirt, remembering his arms around me and the way my fear had been swept out in that moment I knew his heart. I am smelling his cigarette smoke, and remembering our trip to church and how he had gone because I wanted to go and been uncomfortable but not told me, how I knew and we left early. I am smelling his cologne he uses to cover up and mask the smoke, and remembering how he walked into my house for the first time and flopped onto the couch, and it just felt natural, right. I am honored to have met both of them, I am happy to connect, but I always knew my brother was my best friend in the whole world and that was instant. It just happened, we fit like puzzle pieces that found a match. I instantly felt protected, safe and I knew I was in the presence of my big brother. It was instinct. It is instinct. When he went home I processed for days, but today I miss him something extra. I feel like I found him just to lose him, and I understand completely, I don't get another childhood, but I want to badly to have run screaming to my brother and not the abusive piece of shit who raised my sister's and I.
The holidays are always hard, but this year is better and harder all at once.
