I have found myself wavering between being angry and rejecting everything good in my life, and just sad and crying for no fucking reason. The fluctuation happens in a matter of seconds. I will be tired, and lay down, I feel the tears start, the heaviness in my body... I am not "sad" and I have no reason to be, I am exhausted and worried and and thinking about my day, and even the wonderful things when I think about them seem to make my heart ache for a second when life didn't seem so... heavy. And then I get angry, And I blame myself for everything that has ever happened bad in my life, and I want to die because I am so Mad that the tears wont stop, and I don't understand why they even started; because, depression does not always have a trigger. Depression just happens. It happens at work, and I push through the day, pretending I am okay, and hyper, and happy and in love with my job. It happens at night when I get home, and I just feel to heavy to drag myself past the place where I crumpled to the floor after locking myself in, and even if someone brings me food I loath myself for being to weak to go get it and burdening someone else. It happens in the middle of the night when I wake up to go pee, and I just cant bring my self to walk 10 steps back to my bed. It happens in the morning, when I don't think about hitting the snooze on my alarm, or about staying in bed, or about calling in sick for a day off; because, pretending I am okay is the key to keeping myself alive. So don't tell me this and that will help, and don't tell me to look on the bright side, for there isn't a dark side at all, there is no physical reason to feel this way, there is no trigger, no pain, no injustice... there is nothing.
This is called depression.
-Crystal-
