Help Me find new Material Please?

Dear Reader,
It has been a while since I wrote, first my computer became a butt, and decided not to charge until I sat is at weird angles and jiggled the cord just right, but all that aside... Let's look at the last week.

This week has been hard, and painful, but also good and wonderful.  Blah and Ya: all at once.  Additionally I have lost some people I thought I would always have, and gained some people I thought I would NEVER have the way I do.  I got many people, and I WILL call them up and check in with them and offer them hope, but now there are people who do the same for me, and it feels great!  It is a miracle that these people are near me, and that they know how much they mean to me, and how big of a part they are in my life.  I don't know what I would do without these 3 most amazing and wonderful people I am so privileged to know!

I have also come to a point, where I am not inspired by my story, If you would like to comment topics that you personally struggle with and I will dedicate time to research this specific issue and do 1 of 2 things:
A) find you some ONLINE resources and Link them In a post that will be titled I Don't Know Anything about _______ Subject, but these people seem to.... So here is what I found, and the first line will look like this: Dear _your name (or Anon if you prefer)_,
Here is what I was able to find, as I am no expert on this and can't say I have experienced I have linked some web sites to this page for you, and I hope you are able to find what you are looking for.
OR
B) I will do my research regardless of my personal experiance with the subject and compose SOME SORT of composition.

***This is a politics free page***
**I will not help you find resources to harm yourself OR others EVER**
*I will NEVER promote emotional damage on this page, so be kind*

READY...?
Set...
GO!

Family Is Not Blood

in the foster care system at 6 months old family is the person feeding you and changing your diapers maybe drying your tears and kissing your face, but at 5 years old you are aware that you don't belong where you are.  At 2 years old, you have achieved the innate ability to detach, and a crippling fear of attachment.

This is called reactive attachment disorder, and it is not an easy diagnoses... the symptoms can be subtle or violent, it can be influenced by the personalities of the children and the caretakers.  Sometimes having a "family" changes everything and sometimes "family" changes nothing, and sometimes it takes being 20 years old and saying I want to fix this, I want to connect.  I want to be okay,

My FAMILY consists of a Mother and Father, 4 Sisters, and 6 Brothers THEY ARE THE BEST! I WOULD NOT TRADE THEM FOR THE WORLD.  

I Love You Guys!

-Crystal-

Gratitude

I have a brother: Mark.
I am so blessed to have him in my life.

Seeing him happy, makes me happy.

These are the moments to live for guys...

So I am going to enjoy the time I have with him :)

Depression

I have found myself wavering between being angry and rejecting everything good in my life, and just sad and crying for no fucking reason.  The fluctuation happens in a matter of seconds.  I will be tired, and lay down, I feel the tears start, the heaviness in my body... I am not "sad" and I have no reason to be, I am exhausted and worried and and thinking about my day, and even the wonderful things when I think about them seem to make my heart ache for a second when life didn't seem so... heavy.   And then I get angry, And I blame myself for everything that has ever happened bad in my life, and I want to die because I am so Mad that the tears wont stop, and I don't understand why they even started; because, depression does not always have a trigger.  Depression just happens.  It happens at work, and I push through the day, pretending I am okay, and hyper, and happy and in love with my job.  It happens at night when I get home, and I just feel to heavy to drag myself past the place where I crumpled to the floor after locking myself in, and even if someone brings me food I loath myself for being to weak to go get it and burdening someone else.  It happens in the middle of the night when I wake up to go pee, and I just cant bring my self to walk 10 steps back to my bed.  It happens in the morning, when I don't think about hitting the snooze on my alarm, or about staying in bed, or about calling in sick for a day off; because, pretending I am okay is the key to keeping myself alive.  So don't tell me this and that will help, and don't tell me to look on the bright side, for there isn't a dark side at all, there is no physical reason to feel this way, there is no trigger, no pain, no injustice... there is nothing.
This is called depression.

-Crystal-

Remorse of the Day After

I apologize for last night, I was very down when I wrote that.  Parts of it were so clouded by the terror within my soul that I could not even write with my usual eloquence.  Be that as it may, I am but 20 years old, and still experiencing pain in a child like way.  When I feel the terror to my core, and I feel immobilized, and the tears start, and I don't know why, but they wont stop.  And I beg people to stay only to later push them away... Well that's me in the midst of pain.

sometimes the dark is the only hope of finding light

I apologize for putting myself down, and for rejecting my own feelings as invalid, for I am sure that put no one at ease, to share their innermost feelings, but I don't judge you.  Not for what you go through daily or how you handle that...

All I can say is that I am lucky to have the amazing friends that I have, and I love them all very much.

sometimes the light needs the dark to be beautiful.

Thank you all for finding hope in yourselves; because, without hope we are nothing.  Hope is what makes the world a place worth fighting for.  Hope is why I am alive today.  Hope is and always will be all it takes to keep the world moving forward Generation by Generation.  Please don't give up on you.  You are a beautiful creation.  You are a beloved child, and a perfect personification of the most high.

Whatever it took to get you to today, always remember... there are people out there who can help you get to tomorrow.  Angels are as versatile as humans AND demons, so use caution but never, ever, give up on hope entirely.

-Crystal-

I think.... I am not OK

I have been trying to be positive and give hope every post, but the truth is that right now I am struggling to know what that is... Hope I mean.

I keep believing that the pain will end, that the memories will eventually hurt less, but no... They just don't.

Physically they kept me safe, but emotionally I am ruined... Why?  After 6 years, well 5 years and 5 months I guess... is the pain so fresh?

Guys.... I am going to be okay... I am going to live, and grow and learn and work, but inside... I keep being reborn and then I die again and again, and I never know how long in between, or what will kill me the next time... 

Or the next.

I just want to be Okay again.

Someone please understand that I am trying to survive the night...
Please hear me...

OMG... tears just never end.

-Crystal-

Depression is Crippling, you can win OR JUST EVOLVE

They say we evolved over time to be what we are today, and they say we adapt to survive in the environment we are put into.

Depression can come from many things, and I don't know where yours stems from, but mine... mine I do.  It is crippling, and I have been in tears since he left.  I feel abandoned, like he wont ever come home, but he probably will.  Even though in my head.... I know these things, my body keeps reacting.  The tears, the panic, the short breath, the pain in my back and neck, the headache, the desire to curl up in my unmade bed where he woke me up with kisses and cuddles.  The desire to search the house for something, anything of his he might have left behind, that I can hold on to.

Panic sweeps my body.  The tears start.  Then the shakes.  And then this, what is happening now, right before it all starts over again... This is the eye of the storm, where I can see everything that is happening and scramble to fix it.  Right now, my friend is here, he is outside smoking, he might believe that I am looking for a movie to watch, and he doesn't understand why I wont watch it in my room on my comfy bed, but would rather lay on the floor, sometimes within his reach, but mostly just beyond.

My head is exploding, and the urge to run is so strong, and I think it is the only way to make this God Damned Pain End, but I can't do that again; because, I am "adulting," for that is all I can do.

They say we adapt, and I am living proof of that.  I am alive, and that is enough proof for me.  All the pain seems too much, so I raise my threshold of tolerance.  I smile.  I get up.  I live.  Even as a shell, somewhere deep down I have a will, and I force it to stay, and therefor I win through adaptation, and change.

I am Evolution Personified....
Truth is, I still want to die...
It isn't my time yet...
Fact is the same, and I long for death, but I am here and alive.

-Crystal-