Friday, November 23, 2018

Lost, found and lost

I missed you.
I cried for you.
I searched for you.
I prayed you were searching too.

I cried in the dark for an angel.
I sobbed and hid when you weren't there.
I thought I deserved this pain, I thought it was fair.

Then I found you, and you found me.
Our hearts connected, as only blood can.
Our souls clung to eachothere, and every memory surfaced. 
You gave me your sweater, and it smells like you, and cigarettes. 
I miss you tonight, in a way I never thought I'd miss you. 
I thought this dream was a fantasy. 
It's real, and I am afraid.

This is about my brothers, but especially one of them, it was just so... Perfect. I face timed him today, and after he went to bed I cried. I've lived my life accepting this as an imposibility, and yet here he is one day. And he was everything I dreamed, and he is so amazing (they all are, but this is specific) and he has reached so many of his goals.  I am wearing his Sweatshirt, remembering his arms around me and the way my fear had been swept out in that moment I knew his heart. I am smelling his cigarette smoke, and remembering our trip to church and how he had gone because I wanted to go and been uncomfortable but not told me, how I knew and we left early.  I am smelling his cologne he uses to cover up and mask the smoke, and remembering how he walked into my house for the first time and flopped onto the couch, and it just felt natural, right.  I am honored to have met both of them, I am happy to connect, but I always knew my brother was my best friend in the whole world and that was instant.  It just happened, we fit like puzzle pieces that found a match. I instantly felt protected, safe and I knew I was in the presence of my big brother.  It was instinct. It is instinct. When he went home I processed for days, but today I miss him something extra.  I feel like I found him just to lose him, and I understand completely, I don't get another childhood, but I want to badly to have run screaming to my brother and not the abusive piece of shit who raised my sister's and I. 
The holidays are always hard, but this year is better and harder all at once.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Poetry Before we return to the book

Dear me,
The one I have survived through
The pain I have denied through
The sad, sad deceit I  have,
buried
In you

Dear me,
The one who cried to sleep her
Restless brain when her
Dreams were buried in fear
And who never knew love existed
I Love you

Dear me,
the one I worship through
The one God speaks clearly to
The one who is healing through
All the broken pieces I was
Thank you

God is my savior
God sent his son
thousands of years later
He still lives on

Unlike the idols
And deities of the past
What he prophesied Always
Came to pass.

Der God,
If I am not meant to see your angels
Why do they appear before my eyes
If I am not meant to see his demons
Why do I see them undisguised
I need you

Dear God,
Why do I feel abandoned
Though I know that you are near
Why do I hear angels in heaven
Their voices loud and clear
I love you

Dear God,
I hear the angels speak
I hear the demons weep
I hear your son cry out
I see him clearly
I believe you

God is my savior
God sent his son
thousands of years later
He still lives on

Unlike the idols
And deities of the past
What he prophesied Always
Came to pass.


Friday, June 16, 2017

healing words-hope


Days:

Some days are like wells, the longer I stare into them the longer I wonder how far I can
 fall. Some days the darkness wants to swallow me, and others the light in the distance seems closer.  Yet I am falling, so how can this be so?

Some days are like meadows full of flowers and sunshine.  The deep colors and leaf filtered light reflected among the trees.  The darkness a distant memory hiding among the shadows.

The day I met you was like no other.  The Lightning flashed and the thunder boomed over the ocean, but I was unafraid.  You held my hand then, and when I questioned your legitimacy, you held me closer until I believed again.  I found that Jesus, I love you most of all.

The day I met my love was different too, it was the day I knew that my storm was over.  I knew that I was no longer falling in the well, but was climbing to the light, striving to find that glorious meadow.  I was no more afraid of the shadows darkness, but I took refuge in the cool air found within its embrace.  I fell in love with every aspect of my meadow, for it was you, it is you, and it you will forever be.  I am so grateful to be blessed with this knowledge.  

The hard days still come to pass, yet the storms cannot drown me even as they try.  The shadows still stretch and twist as the sun sets into dusk, but you are with me, my God and my meadow.  Each day that passes I look up to you, my God my Soul's protector, and as each day wanes I become more attached and blend further into this meadow I call home.  Embedding myself within the fabric of your soul, I realize it is love that made me whole.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Chapter 2

Chapter 2- The Glue on the Web


The image that is created by a pedophile is so perfect it is scary, not a line out of place.  They are the beloved coach who drives the kids home when practice is just too late or something came up at the last second.  He is the supportive, encouraging and oh so funny.  Maybe he has a girlfriend or wife whom he says “can’t get pregnant” but She is rarely around when he is with the kids.  He supports all the kids dreams, and spends extra time “planning” with them.  He remembers birthdays and special occasions, and loves to be included in these events.

He may be the teacher that all the kids love because he is the “fun teacher.”  He has extra field trips, and activities after school.  He observes when something is wrong, and he provides “emotional support” and the normal acting out your child naturally practices, seems to magically cease.  Little does anyone know that she is still acting out, and that this calm is only the breath before the hurricane strikes.  He is making her think that keeping secrets is okay, and to reject her family is normal.  He is teaching her to be sexual, and to reject her own values and adopt his, he is molding her into the perfect victim.  He is isolating her in public, and becoming the only one she wants to turn to, and she is probably believing that he is the only one who loves her, he tells her how evil doctors and parents are.  He sees himself as a God, and he wants her to see him the same way, as perfect.  As the best thing in the world, but at some point he will begin to slip, and when that happens you will begin to see things that had magically disappeared coming back, worse than ever, but by now it is too late.  The web has been set, and she is stuck in it.  You are only starting to realize that so are you, and try as you might, you may not be able to save her this time.

The things you say to yourself in your head, the things you blame yourself for, and then you ask her what’s wrong and she stone walls you.  The more you try to connect the less she wants to be around you, the closer you pull her the harder she shoves back.  And now you really know something is wrong, and she knows something is wrong but neither one of you knows how to communicate it to the other one. You yell and scream at eachother, you tell her she should love you enough, trust you enough, have enough history with you to trust you.  You have no idea what she went through and she does not want to tell you what she is experiencing, so she becomes defiant and stays angry, she turns to him more, no one knows why, and you begin to doubt everything.  You are both stuck in the glue, wrapped in the threads of the web of lies.  

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Chapter 1

Chapter 1-The Spider and the Fly

Spiders always have a favorite food, they always look for the easy prey, and they always find it; therefore, it is easy to see how a pedophile works the same way.  A pedophile has an “age range” but it is based more on looks than age.  Pedophiles also  have a “type” similar to that of a man picking up a drunk chick at a bar, he looks for specific characteristics in his victims.  Victims can be chosen based on hair color, clothing color or style, what they are actively doing when they first make contact with the pedophile, and sometimes things as specific as the family participation in the young girl's life.  

From hair color and length, to the bow you tied in it because you love her your daughter may be a target for something that random and specific.  So how do you keep them safe?  You can’t, nothing you can do will prepare you for this moment, but how you respond can affect their life even more.  You dress them in their Sunday best, and in long sleeve shirts, long pants or you name it.  Do they chose the color? Do you?  Does it really matter?  No, but that might just be what a pedophile sees.  Do your kids run around the store playing hide and seek, or do they stay close to you?  It is always best to keep your children close to you, but they are together right?  They are old enough to stick together, to know better and you have to give them some freedom, some individuality, and put some faith in them too.  And maybe that increases the risk for them, but it is also what makes them healthy.  So what do you do?

The spider sits in the corner waiting for its food to fly too far into the corner, and get caught in its web.  The spider watches and waits, and always hopes knowing that one day one will stray just a breath too far.  On a more real level, he gets to know your child, and he becomes her friend, he makes her feel special and wanted and probably safe as well.  Do you openly yell and scream at your kids?  Are you flustered?  Do you allow your kids to feel like they are less than you because of their age?  Do you belittle them?  Are you being an openly caring parent? Does it matter? Nope.  Nothing that you can ask yourself or blame yourself for will make it better.  Something inside of this person is so sick that he really doesn’t know how wrong he is, or the effect his actions will have in the future. If he does know the effect, he also doesn't care because like a murderer or other criminal he lacks human empathy, unlike other criminals he is charismatic, and appears to care about his victims, but it is all a charade, similar to that of a con artist.

The trap is set over time, but once it is in place, the image is set, and he must move fast.  From favors racking up, he begins to want something in return.  It might be a hug, or a cheek kiss, or letting him touch her.  Things that are innocent at first, but rapidly become an alarming when looked at as an entire situation.  Most times this person has a position of authority, like an instructor, teacher, or coach.  Although it is there job to be supportive these people go above and beyond the job, and provide support and training outside of the usual arenas of their position.

I want to stress something right now, it is very important that you as a parent do not blame yourself for what happens.  In this instance it is very hard to identify what is going on, and even more true, is that you probably know and trust them too, so you cannot beat yourself up over the bad things that happen!  I will explain why this is so crucial, but for now that needs to be made clear.

Sometimes kids truly believe that there parents are against them, or unreasonable.  And these people are in the perfect position to capitalize on that.  They can and will play into the victim mindset.  In fact they will enlarge it, encourage it and eventually they will create scenarios to blame you for, and split the relationship between you and your child.  Then they will build a fantasy, and it will be perfect, but it will be just fantastically fake.  There is an even bigger problem than this fantasy though, and that is that your child believes it.  She is in his web now, and he has made it look natural, and she really believes that she loves him and he loves her.  If they catch him she probably won’t speak up, but he will manipulate the perspective as best he can to make her look bad no matter what.  This is the web that he has spent months perfecting to ensnare her in, and unless you catch it before she lands in it, you cannot save her from the pain.  It is already there, and now is when you get to chose the next step.  Do you blame her and make his web perfect, or do you support her and love her through it?  Do you try to force her to remember, do you try to catch him, or do you help her heal?  I know this sounds like an All Or Nothing statement, but the truth is that it isn’t.  Do you really think I would tell you to keep quiet?  No, but can you protect her from the pain?  Also no.  Don’t baby the victim.  Don’t act like she doesn’t know what happened.  Don’t try to explain it away, but most important of all, do not get mad at her for believing his lies regardless of the pain it causes you, and when you do don’t tell her how much it hurts you, it isn’t her fault.  She may have willingly climbed into his car, she may have begged him to save her after she began to believe his lies.  You can’t explain his lies away.  You can only prove that you love her beyond any doubt now.  You are at a huge decision, what do you focus on right now?  The worst has happened, and your baby is hurting.  She wishes she were dead, and she hides alone in her room.  She doesn’t want to be touched, or she is too touchy.  She no longer knows how to interact with you, she doubts you, and when you get frustrated towards her it solidifies his twisted lies inside her head, but you are a parent, so where do u go now?  Do you put her in therapy?  What do you do?  How do you react?  What does she need the most?  Why is she not relieved?  Why is she mad at you?  Why did this happen to you?  It is so easy to get trapped in your head and what you should have or could have done, but it is no use.  It is done and over with.  

Introduction: Letter to a Rapist


Dear Little Spider, 02-06-2017

The last time that I wrote you I was still a child, struggling to remember what you did.  I refused to dig into my memories to convict you.  I was exactly where you wanted me to be.  This time is different.
Today I am exactly where you promised I would be, and doing exactly what you told me you dreamed of us doing, but without you.  I am living my dreams.  I am finally free of the pain that stole more from my spirit than from my body, and in less than a month you will never have touched any part of my body.  You were sick, and I pray Jesus has healed your soul over time.  You were cold, hard, vindictive, deceitful and scary; however, I pray God has moved inside of you and fundamentally changed you.
Some days I want to sit and talk to you.  I want to understand why your brain told you that this was okay.  I never will, and I have come to peace with that too.  
I am finally okay with my past, and I can finally prove that I have forgiven you.  I would like to thank you for making me look crazy every year.  Thank you for teaching me not to feel, and in turn how to express the deepest emotional pain so beautifully.  I can finally write this book, and stop another young girl from feeling so alone.  I will not use your name nor any details that can identify you to anyone else, but you will know that it is you I have written about.

Sincerely,

The Girl You Turned Into a Woman Far Too Young
The fly who escaped your web
The girl who rode the waves
Me


I will write a book.

Why I am writing this book:


Sometimes I don't know if I can say the words.  I am a rape victim. Sometimes I feel like people know, and they are judging me, but they are strangers.  Some days I feel like I am not worth the breath in my chest, the smile on my lips, or the happiness I find in living.  God is the only one who can calm me in these times, a love so strong that I no longer feel like damaged goods.  A strong, loving, gentle flow of love that heals the ache in the empty space where my virginity once sat.  It took me nearly seven years to get here, but it is time to tell my story.