In The Darkness Comes the Love of God

There is a time when nothing seems right, and everything appears dark and blurry.  Life seems to be a grey toned existence, and light seems muted. Bright ideas and and music or conversions grate on every nerve that is left exposed.  It can be simple like your siblings noticing you got a promotion and praising you, or your parents saying that they are proud of you and your accomplishments.

Sometimes pain just is a phase, sometimes stress is a never ending battle thats when you realize you dont remember why you are stressed.  That is when you decide how to handle it, and sometimes the doctors wont listen to you, and they wont accept what is happening as out of the normal range of stress, but it somehow is.  You have never had to deal with it before in your life, and now you are expected to just know how to make it stop.  Little thing become so big there seems to be no way to push through them, and now you are lost and hopeless.  You now have some choices.... but you dont see them yet.

In this Anxiety that never seems to go away, you feel the need to never stop moving, and at the end you cant and you feel trapped, and you might might want to end it all... You probably dont know where to turn, you might despise yourself and anyone who loves you, but where does this get you?  Why are you here?  What is the bigger picture?  What is on the other side of all this pain, anger, guilt and hate?

Could it be love?
A love so big and terrifying that you are shrinking away from it?
An undeniable love?

Well I have had my fair share of pain and anger and guilt and hatred toward myself, but now I am sitting here looking at all of the pieces of my spirit, and personality that I have left behind, how humbled I am by the love people have shown me, and the support I have found in places I was afraid of....

The way my fear has panned out as just that: fear.  God never left me alone, and when I was scared he sat there and let me be afraid, he let me be in his presence, and heal As much as I was willing to, and I was scared of this freedom so true and pure.  I locked my heart away, but God had the only other key, and when he came into my heart I could not turn him away.

The key he used was a young man, who was able to gently remove the chains that I had lived with for so long, and coax my heart to trust bit by bit.  He never turned away, and I gave him reason more than enough times, but he never ever turned his back.  I did what I could to hold onto this Beautiful Key to my heart, but God had other plans, and another test for me.  My best friend and lover moved on in his life to a lover far greater than just me.  He went to serve his country, and in so doing he moved away, and it has been so hard on my heart, but let me tell you.... That phone call, and his voice takes those blurry grey shade and clears my sight and suddenly there is color and clarity and love, and without him, and God, I would not ever know what those color were.

God is so beautiful, and great!  God is Love, and the only true love of my life.
I know I am no angel... but for God My imperfections and sharp edges might be the key he has crafted to fit only a specific heart.  Maybe I am a rake to tend his garden, or a wind to spread his word... but whatever it is that I am.... I am for God.... Because when I only saw the darkness... There He was.

Smiling in pain.

Smiling re wires your brain to be happy.
Try it.

Breath For Him

When his eyes fade
When the tears wont fall
When you're realizing
He's already gone.

And your heart is sore
You can take no more.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

When the life drains out
Of you babies eyes
When you hold his hand
But he never cries.

And his body's cold
But you cant let go.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Dont you dare
Let his death
Be your life
Hold you back.

Take a step
And then one more
Before you realize that
You're at the door.

Dont you run.
Dont dare scream.
Dont you dare
Give up your dream.

Because as his eyes fade
As his blood cooled
As his soul left
He became a part of you.

So take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Take a breath.
And he's gone.

                                        -Crystal-
  

I want to love again, but I don't know how.

I've been injured to the core,
My heart is just so sore,
Cant take the pain no more,
And I cant hit the floor.

Here we go again,
I just cant take this pain,
I think his name was gain,
Now I will need that Crane.

I must dig so far,
These mind curtains like a bar,
Feel like they are made from tar,
When did I get this scar?

So deep,
I cant seem to sleep,
And when I do I peep,
Into the secrets I keep.

In my fucking mind,
I want to come untied,
Get rid of all the fried,
Images only I can find.

I don't know how to live,
I don't know how to give,
Living is all I grieve,
I wish I could just forgive.

I am having a god damned cow,
Someone cooked a crow,
I want to be done now,
I want to love, but I don't know how.

Forgive, but forget?

Forgive him they said,
It will make you feel better,
Forget about it they said,
And it could have been so much worse.

Move on they said,
Forgive and forget,
And forget,
Just forget.

Forgetting is not an option any more,
I can forgive him,
And I can say that with my integrity,
Still in tact.

I will never ever forget
What he did to me,
or the pain,
He gave me.

What he took from me
I will never ever get back,
So for my own sanity I Forgive,
But forget?

Never.

-Crystal-

Insomnia

The Mayo Clinic

A summery from the Insomnia Page in the Mayo Clinic Site, is quite interesting:
There are basically 2 types of insomnia, one is long lasting or chronic, and one is shorter term or acute.  They both manifest in any combination of these symptoms: fall asleep, stay asleep, wake up early, or go back to sleep.  Most adults need 7 to 10 hours and insomnia is when you get less than 7 hours a night for somewhere between 7 days to 1 month you might have insomnia.  Insomnia is not only a reason that people are tired, it saps energy causing exhaustion, and negatively effects health both emotionally AND physically (No coffee does not fix the exhaustion, nor does it help after 3:00 pm).

This was my late night insomniac research on why i cant sleep.

-Crystal-
*site linked at top of page*

When you think the Trigger is over, but It isnt

Dear Readers,
A lesson I have learned the hard way that I hope you wont have to:
Triggers are good and bad, emotional triggers are by definition:

An Emotional Trigger is a response to a person, situation, event, dialogue, reading, film, or other content providing entity, that provokes a strong emotional reaction. Often we are not self aware when we are triggered, and fall into reacting prior to sifting through our strong emotional response.
-Google definitions-

Sometimes it is a little thing in a movie that makes you cry, and sometimes it is the look someone gives you of utter disapproval, or the punctuation in words that someone used to prove their point, or the way someone tries to prove their superiority every time they see you.

It gets the the point sometimes where a single person being within your general proximity is all it takes to trigger a negative or positive reaction.  I have 2 of them, one triggers the good even when he is angry, and the other the bad even when she is happy.

What I mean is, that when I am with my mom, and I try to tell her how well I am doing, I feel like the bad is all she will hear.  I love that she wants to take care of me, and all that, but I hate that I have to feel like I am in debt to her and paying it off for the rest of my life.  No, I don't "love" her.  I feel like she abandoned me, like she gave me up again and again, like she attempted to create a monster out of me.  Now that I don't rely on her, or trust her, or even love her she is trying to buy me back.  What she does not know is I cant be bought, and I love my sisters more than anyone else in the world, and that blood IS thicker than ink on paper.  Memories don't just vanish.  And pain can not and will not just disappear.  I refuse to feel this way, so I am cutting out the trigger.

Goodbye for now,
-Crystal-