Smiling in pain.

Smiling re wires your brain to be happy.
Try it.

Breath For Him

When his eyes fade
When the tears wont fall
When you're realizing
He's already gone.

And your heart is sore
You can take no more.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

When the life drains out
Of you babies eyes
When you hold his hand
But he never cries.

And his body's cold
But you cant let go.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Dont you dare
Let his death
Be your life
Hold you back.

Take a step
And then one more
Before you realize that
You're at the door.

Dont you run.
Dont dare scream.
Dont you dare
Give up your dream.

Because as his eyes fade
As his blood cooled
As his soul left
He became a part of you.

So take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Take a breath.
And he's gone.

                                        -Crystal-
  

I want to love again, but I don't know how.

I've been injured to the core,
My heart is just so sore,
Cant take the pain no more,
And I cant hit the floor.

Here we go again,
I just cant take this pain,
I think his name was gain,
Now I will need that Crane.

I must dig so far,
These mind curtains like a bar,
Feel like they are made from tar,
When did I get this scar?

So deep,
I cant seem to sleep,
And when I do I peep,
Into the secrets I keep.

In my fucking mind,
I want to come untied,
Get rid of all the fried,
Images only I can find.

I don't know how to live,
I don't know how to give,
Living is all I grieve,
I wish I could just forgive.

I am having a god damned cow,
Someone cooked a crow,
I want to be done now,
I want to love, but I don't know how.

Forgive, but forget?

Forgive him they said,
It will make you feel better,
Forget about it they said,
And it could have been so much worse.

Move on they said,
Forgive and forget,
And forget,
Just forget.

Forgetting is not an option any more,
I can forgive him,
And I can say that with my integrity,
Still in tact.

I will never ever forget
What he did to me,
or the pain,
He gave me.

What he took from me
I will never ever get back,
So for my own sanity I Forgive,
But forget?

Never.

-Crystal-

Insomnia

The Mayo Clinic

A summery from the Insomnia Page in the Mayo Clinic Site, is quite interesting:
There are basically 2 types of insomnia, one is long lasting or chronic, and one is shorter term or acute.  They both manifest in any combination of these symptoms: fall asleep, stay asleep, wake up early, or go back to sleep.  Most adults need 7 to 10 hours and insomnia is when you get less than 7 hours a night for somewhere between 7 days to 1 month you might have insomnia.  Insomnia is not only a reason that people are tired, it saps energy causing exhaustion, and negatively effects health both emotionally AND physically (No coffee does not fix the exhaustion, nor does it help after 3:00 pm).

This was my late night insomniac research on why i cant sleep.

-Crystal-
*site linked at top of page*

When you think the Trigger is over, but It isnt

Dear Readers,
A lesson I have learned the hard way that I hope you wont have to:
Triggers are good and bad, emotional triggers are by definition:

An Emotional Trigger is a response to a person, situation, event, dialogue, reading, film, or other content providing entity, that provokes a strong emotional reaction. Often we are not self aware when we are triggered, and fall into reacting prior to sifting through our strong emotional response.
-Google definitions-

Sometimes it is a little thing in a movie that makes you cry, and sometimes it is the look someone gives you of utter disapproval, or the punctuation in words that someone used to prove their point, or the way someone tries to prove their superiority every time they see you.

It gets the the point sometimes where a single person being within your general proximity is all it takes to trigger a negative or positive reaction.  I have 2 of them, one triggers the good even when he is angry, and the other the bad even when she is happy.

What I mean is, that when I am with my mom, and I try to tell her how well I am doing, I feel like the bad is all she will hear.  I love that she wants to take care of me, and all that, but I hate that I have to feel like I am in debt to her and paying it off for the rest of my life.  No, I don't "love" her.  I feel like she abandoned me, like she gave me up again and again, like she attempted to create a monster out of me.  Now that I don't rely on her, or trust her, or even love her she is trying to buy me back.  What she does not know is I cant be bought, and I love my sisters more than anyone else in the world, and that blood IS thicker than ink on paper.  Memories don't just vanish.  And pain can not and will not just disappear.  I refuse to feel this way, so I am cutting out the trigger.

Goodbye for now,
-Crystal-

Finding the happy in the Sad

source 1

Sometimes when you are sad a great coping skill is to:
"Call your mom. Or your dad. Or your favorite aunt, or your grandma"
Sometimes your favorite person is not your best friend, but the person who taught you how to love.  Sometimes they are blood, and sometimes they are heart bonds that are just to strong to sever no matter how hard you try.

A summery from my first source is that guilty pleasures are not "guilty" spoiling yourself gives you a reason to love yourself, and not all of those things are bad.  Everything in Moderation.... but, don't excuse being childish or blowing off work or chores for those things, prioritize your life and fit in those little blessed moments of self indulgence just to be the one who makes yourself smile.

Source 2 

"Every day is a new opportunity to be better than yesterday; that pursuit can increase your self-esteem and, accordingly, your happiness."

"Finding joy in the present moment, no matter how inadequate it may seem, makes a difference in other people’s lives."

Conclusion:

Some people really think that being happy is a choice, although people with depression can fall into the mindset that nothing will help, and that there is only 1 way out, that is not always true.  Sometimes instead of trying to show other people how happy they make you, being happy around them can make them happy and in turn increase your mood as well.  although this article deals with sadness and not really a depression mindset these two quotes are definitely true and EVEN helpful if the depression does not have you curled up in a corner searching for someone to understand you.

source 3

Depression is a "mental illness" it is not a joke, and it is not made up.  Just because it cannot be seen from the outside, people believe so many lies about it.  Sometimes all it takes  is a little medication to fix it, and sometimes the medications make it worse because your body starts to look and feel different.

So whatever the case is, Someone else is there, and even if they are not, you can be there for you too.

-Crystal-