Remorse of the Day After

I apologize for last night, I was very down when I wrote that.  Parts of it were so clouded by the terror within my soul that I could not even write with my usual eloquence.  Be that as it may, I am but 20 years old, and still experiencing pain in a child like way.  When I feel the terror to my core, and I feel immobilized, and the tears start, and I don't know why, but they wont stop.  And I beg people to stay only to later push them away... Well that's me in the midst of pain.

sometimes the dark is the only hope of finding light

I apologize for putting myself down, and for rejecting my own feelings as invalid, for I am sure that put no one at ease, to share their innermost feelings, but I don't judge you.  Not for what you go through daily or how you handle that...

All I can say is that I am lucky to have the amazing friends that I have, and I love them all very much.

sometimes the light needs the dark to be beautiful.

Thank you all for finding hope in yourselves; because, without hope we are nothing.  Hope is what makes the world a place worth fighting for.  Hope is why I am alive today.  Hope is and always will be all it takes to keep the world moving forward Generation by Generation.  Please don't give up on you.  You are a beautiful creation.  You are a beloved child, and a perfect personification of the most high.

Whatever it took to get you to today, always remember... there are people out there who can help you get to tomorrow.  Angels are as versatile as humans AND demons, so use caution but never, ever, give up on hope entirely.

-Crystal-

I think.... I am not OK

I have been trying to be positive and give hope every post, but the truth is that right now I am struggling to know what that is... Hope I mean.

I keep believing that the pain will end, that the memories will eventually hurt less, but no... They just don't.

Physically they kept me safe, but emotionally I am ruined... Why?  After 6 years, well 5 years and 5 months I guess... is the pain so fresh?

Guys.... I am going to be okay... I am going to live, and grow and learn and work, but inside... I keep being reborn and then I die again and again, and I never know how long in between, or what will kill me the next time... 

Or the next.

I just want to be Okay again.

Someone please understand that I am trying to survive the night...
Please hear me...

OMG... tears just never end.

-Crystal-

Depression is Crippling, you can win OR JUST EVOLVE

They say we evolved over time to be what we are today, and they say we adapt to survive in the environment we are put into.

Depression can come from many things, and I don't know where yours stems from, but mine... mine I do.  It is crippling, and I have been in tears since he left.  I feel abandoned, like he wont ever come home, but he probably will.  Even though in my head.... I know these things, my body keeps reacting.  The tears, the panic, the short breath, the pain in my back and neck, the headache, the desire to curl up in my unmade bed where he woke me up with kisses and cuddles.  The desire to search the house for something, anything of his he might have left behind, that I can hold on to.

Panic sweeps my body.  The tears start.  Then the shakes.  And then this, what is happening now, right before it all starts over again... This is the eye of the storm, where I can see everything that is happening and scramble to fix it.  Right now, my friend is here, he is outside smoking, he might believe that I am looking for a movie to watch, and he doesn't understand why I wont watch it in my room on my comfy bed, but would rather lay on the floor, sometimes within his reach, but mostly just beyond.

My head is exploding, and the urge to run is so strong, and I think it is the only way to make this God Damned Pain End, but I can't do that again; because, I am "adulting," for that is all I can do.

They say we adapt, and I am living proof of that.  I am alive, and that is enough proof for me.  All the pain seems too much, so I raise my threshold of tolerance.  I smile.  I get up.  I live.  Even as a shell, somewhere deep down I have a will, and I force it to stay, and therefor I win through adaptation, and change.

I am Evolution Personified....
Truth is, I still want to die...
It isn't my time yet...
Fact is the same, and I long for death, but I am here and alive.

-Crystal-

Tell me again, and I will be okay.

DEAR READER,

Last night was a hard one, I fell back into that crippling pain, and sadness.  I began to get trapped within my head.  I texted and called friend after friend, but nobody had time to talk... let alone come over.  I posted to Facebook.com,  that I was willing to have company, and when I did get a hit, it was from someone I had not seen in nearly a month.  we messed around, he found an old picture on my phone from when I had first moved to my apartment (of us kissing) he posted it as my profile! (that jerk)... So I retaliated set my relationship status to with him, and stole his phone and approved it!

This was all fun and games, until we took it all down, and I realized I was no less depressed.  So what did I need...?  I went back and looked at the people I had messaged that night and then it hit me.... All I needed to hear was that I am loved now, and was loved then, and that is all.

My friends sent me bible verses, memes, and over all love, some sent concern, others just a word of love.

So to all my readers out there today, and I have no idea how many of you will see this, I just wanted to leave you a generalized message, so you can apply it to yourself when all you need to know is that you are worth it on this Earth whether you see it or not:

Somewhere out there right now, someone knows you, and they are thinking about you.  I don't know you, but you have found your way to my blog... so if you have read anything else on it (I would not recommend it... its a lot of venting) you can see you are NOT alone.  This world is a scary place, only together can we make it better.

I hope I have given you a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  But the tunnel will close in again.  It wont EVER stop being hard.  You wont Ever stop missing whoever it is you are missing.  But don't you ever think that suicide is the only way out.

Just don't believe it.

Belief becomes reality, and reality becomes emotional, but emotions determine your beliefs.

You are so worth it.

You are an amazing creation, put upon this earth by whatever or whom ever you believe in (even if that is just your moms vagina)!

The world wont be the same without you in it.

Love and be Loved Forever;

-Crystal-

That quiet voice, speaks the utmost truth

I thought you knew...
That I would never do this to you.
That I would never ever hurt you like you want me to.
That despite it all, I am here.

You are my sister.
You are someone I love, and yet...
Who am I?

The ugly duckling?
Naw, I am a model.

The pretty one?
No way, she too fat.

So who am I to you?
Oh wait I know:
The failure,
Stupid,
Space fill,
Fun,
Good fuck,
One Night,
unwanted piece of shit, 
you let me believe this.

Nope,
I am myself.
And, Nope,
You Cant Change Me.

-Crystal_

I am not who you say I am, but I am still depressed.

You told me I was Raped.
That I should remember it.
2 days after it happened.  
On my birthday, when you found out.

you told me what he did to me,
That he was evil,
2 days after he raped me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

You told me what to tell them,
That you could protect me.
2 days after he loved me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

What you didn't tell me was bigger than any of that.
What you didn't tell me eventually broke my heart.
What you didn't tell me is what you couldn't know.
How out of "love" greed could grow.

You did what he did,
You got away with it,
You hid behind the "great parent" mask.
If you didn't abuse me...
Why then can I not tell my friends the "worst thing my mom did?"

You have manipulated everything in my life!
I am done!

I didn't say I was raped,
Because I didn't remember.
2 days after it happened, 
On my birthday, when you found out.

I told them that I didn't know,
That he was good to me,
2 days he raped me.
On my birthday when you found out.

I told them the truth,
When you dragged me in to talk to strangers,
2 days after he loved me,
On my birthday, when you found out.

He was good to me!
He taught me to be grateful, 
What it was like to be the center of attention, positively.

But he raped me.

I  tell you that I was raped,
And I remember it.
6 years after it happened.
At midnight, with the windows locked.

I can tell you what he did to me,
And he had a sickness,
6 years after he raped me,
At noon, in my work place.

I can no longer tell them,
And you made it worse.
6 years after he loved me,
In the morning, as I am showering.

Trying to scrub away the pain that you both left.

Trying to scrub away my past.

Trying to start over.

Someone please kill me... I don't have the strength to try any more.

Fake smiles and sunshine.
*this is my release*

-Crystal-

This is what I am Now

You told me that I was "one of his victims"
I was not just one of anything.
I stood up and spoke out about crimes
You did a little bit of nothing.

I had shut down all the memories,
The more you hedged
The less I looked for testimonies
And he was reported as "alleged"

He did to me things
I don't want to remember
He threatened spiritual beings,
Not just me but my sister.

So you wonder why I never told you?
He said he would kill her.
You wonder why I don't love you?
Why don't you ask her.

I didn't remember the truth,                                        
So I refused to lie, and through it all you called me a lier.
But now I remember it all.
From the day it began,
That very first day in December.

Your going to see that month, and ask yourself...
Does she mean January?
No, December nearly 14 years earlier.
So take what I love but not who.

It was me that he raped,
Not you.

                                                                  -Crystal-