Breaking my heart

(I tried to ost a icture but it would not post)  This is my baby... Ima miss you boy.... But i cant hurt anymore and idk of i can even look at your daddy without this pain eating me alive. Just know i love you baby dog.  And i wish it wasnt like this, but goodbye baby boy. My best friend. The 1 who knows just when to crawl under the covers and when to clobber me. The only one who loved me when i was deppressed and when i cried. The only one who could stop my anxiety before it started. My criminal minds buddy. Y does this hurt so bad? Because i told you.  I told you to walk away of you were just going to hurt me. I told you i was going to try to hide the pain bit you said you wouldnt.... You ... Said... And yet you lied.
Do u know what this is doning to me? So you even fucking care

**Update: I was never in love with you, and you only wanted sex, so goodbye; because, you no longer hold head space**

I am in love with someone i can never have

I am in love with him... He isnt sure. I could wait. I could.... Forever.
But what if he is never mine?
What if i stand beside his other brides maids or worse in a chair watching him marry someone else?
I love you.
And i am still waiting.
I love you.

**Update: I was stupid to believe that this was love.**

Beauty In the Debris

As my life began to crash around me, and I was in my lowest part of my life.
Between an eviction and the confusion I was ready to give up.  I didn't know where to turn, the knife was on the ledge of my bathtub, for nearly a week before I made him put it away, and never speak of it again.  He looked at me, and he saw the pain, but he didn't ask he put it away like the good friend that he is.  Without my friends I would not have made it, and that is because humans were not made to walk alone.

I am here watching Gods work unfold around me, and I am so grateful to God, because as my personal Castle crumbled I noticed something amazing, under all my additions and an towers and turrets, was a little hut, as my cement crumbled, the vines grew to protect the part of me that I refused to face, And as my own pride and anger and guilt faded a light soft and pure spread through the vines, and engulfed my world.  The clouds parted, and I saw myself as God wanted me to, as his child.  And for the first time ever, I fell to my knees in his presence, but I didn't crawl I threw my arms out to God and held on tight.

I refuse to sink again.

-Crystal-

In The Darkness Comes the Love of God

There is a time when nothing seems right, and everything appears dark and blurry.  Life seems to be a grey toned existence, and light seems muted. Bright ideas and and music or conversions grate on every nerve that is left exposed.  It can be simple like your siblings noticing you got a promotion and praising you, or your parents saying that they are proud of you and your accomplishments.

Sometimes pain just is a phase, sometimes stress is a never ending battle thats when you realize you dont remember why you are stressed.  That is when you decide how to handle it, and sometimes the doctors wont listen to you, and they wont accept what is happening as out of the normal range of stress, but it somehow is.  You have never had to deal with it before in your life, and now you are expected to just know how to make it stop.  Little thing become so big there seems to be no way to push through them, and now you are lost and hopeless.  You now have some choices.... but you dont see them yet.

In this Anxiety that never seems to go away, you feel the need to never stop moving, and at the end you cant and you feel trapped, and you might might want to end it all... You probably dont know where to turn, you might despise yourself and anyone who loves you, but where does this get you?  Why are you here?  What is the bigger picture?  What is on the other side of all this pain, anger, guilt and hate?

Could it be love?
A love so big and terrifying that you are shrinking away from it?
An undeniable love?

Well I have had my fair share of pain and anger and guilt and hatred toward myself, but now I am sitting here looking at all of the pieces of my spirit, and personality that I have left behind, how humbled I am by the love people have shown me, and the support I have found in places I was afraid of....

The way my fear has panned out as just that: fear.  God never left me alone, and when I was scared he sat there and let me be afraid, he let me be in his presence, and heal As much as I was willing to, and I was scared of this freedom so true and pure.  I locked my heart away, but God had the only other key, and when he came into my heart I could not turn him away.

The key he used was a young man, who was able to gently remove the chains that I had lived with for so long, and coax my heart to trust bit by bit.  He never turned away, and I gave him reason more than enough times, but he never ever turned his back.  I did what I could to hold onto this Beautiful Key to my heart, but God had other plans, and another test for me.  My best friend and lover moved on in his life to a lover far greater than just me.  He went to serve his country, and in so doing he moved away, and it has been so hard on my heart, but let me tell you.... That phone call, and his voice takes those blurry grey shade and clears my sight and suddenly there is color and clarity and love, and without him, and God, I would not ever know what those color were.

God is so beautiful, and great!  God is Love, and the only true love of my life.
I know I am no angel... but for God My imperfections and sharp edges might be the key he has crafted to fit only a specific heart.  Maybe I am a rake to tend his garden, or a wind to spread his word... but whatever it is that I am.... I am for God.... Because when I only saw the darkness... There He was.

Smiling in pain.

Smiling re wires your brain to be happy.
Try it.

Breath For Him

When his eyes fade
When the tears wont fall
When you're realizing
He's already gone.

And your heart is sore
You can take no more.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

When the life drains out
Of you babies eyes
When you hold his hand
But he never cries.

And his body's cold
But you cant let go.

Take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Dont you dare
Let his death
Be your life
Hold you back.

Take a step
And then one more
Before you realize that
You're at the door.

Dont you run.
Dont dare scream.
Dont you dare
Give up your dream.

Because as his eyes fade
As his blood cooled
As his soul left
He became a part of you.

So take a step back
Take a breath
And he's gone.

Take a breath.
And he's gone.

                                        -Crystal-
  

I want to love again, but I don't know how.

I've been injured to the core,
My heart is just so sore,
Cant take the pain no more,
And I cant hit the floor.

Here we go again,
I just cant take this pain,
I think his name was gain,
Now I will need that Crane.

I must dig so far,
These mind curtains like a bar,
Feel like they are made from tar,
When did I get this scar?

So deep,
I cant seem to sleep,
And when I do I peep,
Into the secrets I keep.

In my fucking mind,
I want to come untied,
Get rid of all the fried,
Images only I can find.

I don't know how to live,
I don't know how to give,
Living is all I grieve,
I wish I could just forgive.

I am having a god damned cow,
Someone cooked a crow,
I want to be done now,
I want to love, but I don't know how.