Tell me again, and I will be okay.

DEAR READER,

Last night was a hard one, I fell back into that crippling pain, and sadness.  I began to get trapped within my head.  I texted and called friend after friend, but nobody had time to talk... let alone come over.  I posted to Facebook.com,  that I was willing to have company, and when I did get a hit, it was from someone I had not seen in nearly a month.  we messed around, he found an old picture on my phone from when I had first moved to my apartment (of us kissing) he posted it as my profile! (that jerk)... So I retaliated set my relationship status to with him, and stole his phone and approved it!

This was all fun and games, until we took it all down, and I realized I was no less depressed.  So what did I need...?  I went back and looked at the people I had messaged that night and then it hit me.... All I needed to hear was that I am loved now, and was loved then, and that is all.

My friends sent me bible verses, memes, and over all love, some sent concern, others just a word of love.

So to all my readers out there today, and I have no idea how many of you will see this, I just wanted to leave you a generalized message, so you can apply it to yourself when all you need to know is that you are worth it on this Earth whether you see it or not:

Somewhere out there right now, someone knows you, and they are thinking about you.  I don't know you, but you have found your way to my blog... so if you have read anything else on it (I would not recommend it... its a lot of venting) you can see you are NOT alone.  This world is a scary place, only together can we make it better.

I hope I have given you a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel.  But the tunnel will close in again.  It wont EVER stop being hard.  You wont Ever stop missing whoever it is you are missing.  But don't you ever think that suicide is the only way out.

Just don't believe it.

Belief becomes reality, and reality becomes emotional, but emotions determine your beliefs.

You are so worth it.

You are an amazing creation, put upon this earth by whatever or whom ever you believe in (even if that is just your moms vagina)!

The world wont be the same without you in it.

Love and be Loved Forever;

-Crystal-

That quiet voice, speaks the utmost truth

I thought you knew...
That I would never do this to you.
That I would never ever hurt you like you want me to.
That despite it all, I am here.

You are my sister.
You are someone I love, and yet...
Who am I?

The ugly duckling?
Naw, I am a model.

The pretty one?
No way, she too fat.

So who am I to you?
Oh wait I know:
The failure,
Stupid,
Space fill,
Fun,
Good fuck,
One Night,
unwanted piece of shit, 
you let me believe this.

Nope,
I am myself.
And, Nope,
You Cant Change Me.

-Crystal_

I am not who you say I am, but I am still depressed.

You told me I was Raped.
That I should remember it.
2 days after it happened.  
On my birthday, when you found out.

you told me what he did to me,
That he was evil,
2 days after he raped me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

You told me what to tell them,
That you could protect me.
2 days after he loved me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

What you didn't tell me was bigger than any of that.
What you didn't tell me eventually broke my heart.
What you didn't tell me is what you couldn't know.
How out of "love" greed could grow.

You did what he did,
You got away with it,
You hid behind the "great parent" mask.
If you didn't abuse me...
Why then can I not tell my friends the "worst thing my mom did?"

You have manipulated everything in my life!
I am done!

I didn't say I was raped,
Because I didn't remember.
2 days after it happened, 
On my birthday, when you found out.

I told them that I didn't know,
That he was good to me,
2 days he raped me.
On my birthday when you found out.

I told them the truth,
When you dragged me in to talk to strangers,
2 days after he loved me,
On my birthday, when you found out.

He was good to me!
He taught me to be grateful, 
What it was like to be the center of attention, positively.

But he raped me.

I  tell you that I was raped,
And I remember it.
6 years after it happened.
At midnight, with the windows locked.

I can tell you what he did to me,
And he had a sickness,
6 years after he raped me,
At noon, in my work place.

I can no longer tell them,
And you made it worse.
6 years after he loved me,
In the morning, as I am showering.

Trying to scrub away the pain that you both left.

Trying to scrub away my past.

Trying to start over.

Someone please kill me... I don't have the strength to try any more.

Fake smiles and sunshine.
*this is my release*

-Crystal-

This is what I am Now

You told me that I was "one of his victims"
I was not just one of anything.
I stood up and spoke out about crimes
You did a little bit of nothing.

I had shut down all the memories,
The more you hedged
The less I looked for testimonies
And he was reported as "alleged"

He did to me things
I don't want to remember
He threatened spiritual beings,
Not just me but my sister.

So you wonder why I never told you?
He said he would kill her.
You wonder why I don't love you?
Why don't you ask her.

I didn't remember the truth,                                        
So I refused to lie, and through it all you called me a lier.
But now I remember it all.
From the day it began,
That very first day in December.

Your going to see that month, and ask yourself...
Does she mean January?
No, December nearly 14 years earlier.
So take what I love but not who.

It was me that he raped,
Not you.

                                                                  -Crystal-

People Always Have Something to say

Dearest Reader,
I try to post on here when I can, and I know I suck at this whole thing, so when I blog multiple times a day, its just because I know that I will be busy most of the time, so posting is my relief in the down time.
If I could work all day every day I would, and if I could have someone to be with every second of every day, I'd take that too, but I don't.  It would not be healthy if I did, but its hard for me to be stuck in my head, and this is my way to release it.  On that note, my dear friend was a victim of a pedophile, he was very young when it happened.  This young man IS straight, and yet he was molested by a man, and he is not the only one.  I only know what he has said, but I understand that in these cases the words don't come out, sometimes for years.  I want you all to know that this young man is SOOOOOO brave, and he went and reported the man, and that is just 1 more testimony that will stop this evil man from striking again.  I love this kid like my brother, and I am so proud of him!
I just wanted to shout out to all the Sexual Assault and Rape victims out there:
RISE UP, WE STAND STRONG TOGETHER!
We stand together, and I am proud of all you pushing through each hard day!
Thriving is HARD, and together WE WILL DO IT!
"We are strong, Heartache to Heartache We stand."
-Pat Benatar

LETS RISE!
-Crystal

Lets End Suicide With Love!

Slut Shaming is Real

I can wear what I want
I don't need your permission to wear the shirts I want.
If I want to walk around in booty shorts and a tube top,
that is MY RIGHT, and I can do that if I want to!

Get off you shame wagon.

If he cant keep his eyes up, then maybe you are with the wrong man..?

thoughts I have daily!

I have boobs, and

I like them, so

STFU and keep your mouth shut about it,

BAM!

I can also look like this.....
so... IDK.

Dearest Heart,
I love you so.
Dearest heart,
You let me go.
And from the pain, 
The evil springs,
Ripping to shreds,
Many things.

Like love,
And Joy,
And Happiness.

Like peace,
And hope,
Can you give it a rest?

No I cant!
You ugly beast! 

You took away my everything!

as you sit laughing at my pain,
What oh what do u have to gain?
Is my tears not quite enough?
FUCK YOU HEART I CALL YOUR BLUFF!  

Told you,
you cant keep it up!

fake happiness is still pretty, pictures teach me how to cheat.

modeling fake smiles in the cool before the sun.

Cant keep it up though.... never could get it right.