I am not who you say I am, but I am still depressed.

You told me I was Raped.
That I should remember it.
2 days after it happened.  
On my birthday, when you found out.

you told me what he did to me,
That he was evil,
2 days after he raped me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

You told me what to tell them,
That you could protect me.
2 days after he loved me.
On my birthday, when you found out.

What you didn't tell me was bigger than any of that.
What you didn't tell me eventually broke my heart.
What you didn't tell me is what you couldn't know.
How out of "love" greed could grow.

You did what he did,
You got away with it,
You hid behind the "great parent" mask.
If you didn't abuse me...
Why then can I not tell my friends the "worst thing my mom did?"

You have manipulated everything in my life!
I am done!

I didn't say I was raped,
Because I didn't remember.
2 days after it happened, 
On my birthday, when you found out.

I told them that I didn't know,
That he was good to me,
2 days he raped me.
On my birthday when you found out.

I told them the truth,
When you dragged me in to talk to strangers,
2 days after he loved me,
On my birthday, when you found out.

He was good to me!
He taught me to be grateful, 
What it was like to be the center of attention, positively.

But he raped me.

I  tell you that I was raped,
And I remember it.
6 years after it happened.
At midnight, with the windows locked.

I can tell you what he did to me,
And he had a sickness,
6 years after he raped me,
At noon, in my work place.

I can no longer tell them,
And you made it worse.
6 years after he loved me,
In the morning, as I am showering.

Trying to scrub away the pain that you both left.

Trying to scrub away my past.

Trying to start over.

Someone please kill me... I don't have the strength to try any more.

Fake smiles and sunshine.
*this is my release*

-Crystal-

This is what I am Now

You told me that I was "one of his victims"
I was not just one of anything.
I stood up and spoke out about crimes
You did a little bit of nothing.

I had shut down all the memories,
The more you hedged
The less I looked for testimonies
And he was reported as "alleged"

He did to me things
I don't want to remember
He threatened spiritual beings,
Not just me but my sister.

So you wonder why I never told you?
He said he would kill her.
You wonder why I don't love you?
Why don't you ask her.

I didn't remember the truth,                                        
So I refused to lie, and through it all you called me a lier.
But now I remember it all.
From the day it began,
That very first day in December.

Your going to see that month, and ask yourself...
Does she mean January?
No, December nearly 14 years earlier.
So take what I love but not who.

It was me that he raped,
Not you.

                                                                  -Crystal-

People Always Have Something to say

Dearest Reader,
I try to post on here when I can, and I know I suck at this whole thing, so when I blog multiple times a day, its just because I know that I will be busy most of the time, so posting is my relief in the down time.
If I could work all day every day I would, and if I could have someone to be with every second of every day, I'd take that too, but I don't.  It would not be healthy if I did, but its hard for me to be stuck in my head, and this is my way to release it.  On that note, my dear friend was a victim of a pedophile, he was very young when it happened.  This young man IS straight, and yet he was molested by a man, and he is not the only one.  I only know what he has said, but I understand that in these cases the words don't come out, sometimes for years.  I want you all to know that this young man is SOOOOOO brave, and he went and reported the man, and that is just 1 more testimony that will stop this evil man from striking again.  I love this kid like my brother, and I am so proud of him!
I just wanted to shout out to all the Sexual Assault and Rape victims out there:
RISE UP, WE STAND STRONG TOGETHER!
We stand together, and I am proud of all you pushing through each hard day!
Thriving is HARD, and together WE WILL DO IT!
"We are strong, Heartache to Heartache We stand."
-Pat Benatar

LETS RISE!
-Crystal

Lets End Suicide With Love!

Slut Shaming is Real

I can wear what I want
I don't need your permission to wear the shirts I want.
If I want to walk around in booty shorts and a tube top,
that is MY RIGHT, and I can do that if I want to!

Get off you shame wagon.

If he cant keep his eyes up, then maybe you are with the wrong man..?

thoughts I have daily!

I have boobs, and

I like them, so

STFU and keep your mouth shut about it,

BAM!

I can also look like this.....
so... IDK.

Dearest Heart,
I love you so.
Dearest heart,
You let me go.
And from the pain, 
The evil springs,
Ripping to shreds,
Many things.

Like love,
And Joy,
And Happiness.

Like peace,
And hope,
Can you give it a rest?

No I cant!
You ugly beast! 

You took away my everything!

as you sit laughing at my pain,
What oh what do u have to gain?
Is my tears not quite enough?
FUCK YOU HEART I CALL YOUR BLUFF!  

Told you,
you cant keep it up!

fake happiness is still pretty, pictures teach me how to cheat.

modeling fake smiles in the cool before the sun.

Cant keep it up though.... never could get it right.

Cramps and speculation

Dear Reader,
I am not trying to have a pity party over here, I am trying to survive.  So if It gets too dark just know its how I find my light.  I am a young one.  A mere 20 years to my life, but my soul aches like that of a grandmother for this world.
We are here, we are learning and growing everyday, and we keep expanding our knowledge of the universe, trying to prove there is something or someone else out there, but what if we really are alone in this?  Think about how close to death sleep is, and what if this whole thing is only a dream, and what if when we sleep we are dreaming within a dream, and that's how we discover layers within ourselves that we never knew existed.  what if the "rules" of society that define us are just the ideals instilled in the sub conscious of the dreamer, and when he or she wakes up, we are nothing but a memory that fades quickly from their mind, or hangs around for a day, in which they tell their friends about this wonderful, weird, scary and crazy dream they had the night before.
What if the reason there appears to be an "end of the universe" is because that is where the subconscious becomes conscious, and morals become actions.  What if the reason that we as humans pull together as often as we do, is because we are all part of the same eventual whole, that created us, and maybe the reason that we cant ever truly "forget a face" is because we are really all united.
what if each new era, and "awakening" or idealistic change, is not dependent on repeat history but on the day that the dreamer has had.  What if the reason that we believe in a creative God, is because we are part of a creative brain.  And as such, we are a dream, and the one is so much bigger than all of us little brain cells.
So what is suicide then? A cancer.  It is a cell turning against its self over and over, and no matter what the other cells try to do, its too late for that cell, and the infection spreads out from that cell first to those closest to it, and then to those further away.
What is murder? It is white blood cells taking over, and getting rid of cells deemed "unnecessary" right and wrong no longer matter because it is biology, and until it is time to eliminate more, theses cells are isolated from the others.
Why do some people have natural athletic talent? maybe because they were born to work.
Why are some naturally "bossy"? maybe because these "bosses" keep the brain alive.
So why pollution, or pain, or war.  this dreamer may be unhealthy, or maybe in our quest to be "God" and/or find "God" we have inadvertently, or subconsciously killed our host.
I dont know,
but food for thought.
-Crystal

happy

Hey you...
How is it?
To smile, and mean it?
To not be afraid of your heart breaking into 1,000 tiny pieces on the floor, and watching elephants walk over the remains.
Hi there, I don't know what you mean by that, but I am guessing that is depression you are referring to as "elephants" right? In that case, I wouldn't be human IF I COULD answer that dear. Without dark, there is no light, and without light there is ONLY Dark.  We are the light.
I only wish you knew how scared I am...
I only wish you understood the pain...
I only wish you understood the depth...
I only wish...
I only wish...
I am not going to wish to understand the depth of the ocean... So don't wish it for me.  I love, I hurt.
Join me in love and pleasure, welcome the pain, let the anger flow in one ear out the other, and relax princess, we got this.
-Crystal