New Poetry

The Rise

-Crystal Brown-

She Prayed that night

For a change in her life

For a new family

To see the light

She prayed alone

And never quite felt home

And she cried for her life

To end that night

She walked alone

Never to go home now

Forever alone here

"I have to fight"

So she got up

And began to rebuild

So she could live her

And be alive

She now prays a new prayer

She wants to be known here

As part of his family

His one true love

Rising.

Living.

Finally.

Loving.

How I feel when he kisses my forehead.
I am in love.

All my values, all my love and all my art!

Falling in Love

When everything seems to have reached its lowest point, and no one seems to see who you are, turn to faith, religion, love, community, people or just tv.  Whatever it is, just don't be alone inside your head.  Just connect to something besides your emotions.  Emotions are tricky little things, but they are not an end all be all, so dont be fooled.  Get up and conect.

Go outside, be around people.  Who knows you might even fall in love.

:)

My stand

I have tried to stay on the fence about this whole Trump thing, but damn it all why is this bigot in office?
I have something to say, and many of you wont want to hear it, and maybe you wont care, but here goes nothing.
April 2nd 2010 something happened that changed my life forever, I was raped, and until about 10 days ago I didn't remember the way it felt to have my screams ripping out of my throat but be unable to hear them at all. I didn't remember the raw chafed feeling in my throat, or the searing headache, or the way my hips protested movement the next day, but now I do.
THIS CANNOT BE REVERSED.
THIS NEVER GOES AWAY.
I WAS RAPED!

I remember it all now.

"Grab 'em by the pussy"
"You can't rape your wife"
These things or President Donald Trump has put out there in the media as a normal thing to say! Wake up America!
This isn't "locker room talk" unless you are in a Prison release party for sexual predators. Consent is NEVER implied, but what is implied is the no. Your daughter is your favorite SEX idol? Wow you creep, and I bet you bathed her at night too!

Your Administration expressed "disappointment" in the protesters, and the men who let their wives and children protest, but President Trump I had to work, but I stand with them.

I am a Nasty Woman, but I am not so Nasty as it may seem.

Breaking my heart

(I tried to ost a icture but it would not post)  This is my baby... Ima miss you boy.... But i cant hurt anymore and idk of i can even look at your daddy without this pain eating me alive. Just know i love you baby dog.  And i wish it wasnt like this, but goodbye baby boy. My best friend. The 1 who knows just when to crawl under the covers and when to clobber me. The only one who loved me when i was deppressed and when i cried. The only one who could stop my anxiety before it started. My criminal minds buddy. Y does this hurt so bad? Because i told you.  I told you to walk away of you were just going to hurt me. I told you i was going to try to hide the pain bit you said you wouldnt.... You ... Said... And yet you lied.
Do u know what this is doning to me? So you even fucking care

**Update: I was never in love with you, and you only wanted sex, so goodbye; because, you no longer hold head space**

I am in love with someone i can never have

I am in love with him... He isnt sure. I could wait. I could.... Forever.
But what if he is never mine?
What if i stand beside his other brides maids or worse in a chair watching him marry someone else?
I love you.
And i am still waiting.
I love you.

**Update: I was stupid to believe that this was love.**

Beauty In the Debris

As my life began to crash around me, and I was in my lowest part of my life.
Between an eviction and the confusion I was ready to give up.  I didn't know where to turn, the knife was on the ledge of my bathtub, for nearly a week before I made him put it away, and never speak of it again.  He looked at me, and he saw the pain, but he didn't ask he put it away like the good friend that he is.  Without my friends I would not have made it, and that is because humans were not made to walk alone.

I am here watching Gods work unfold around me, and I am so grateful to God, because as my personal Castle crumbled I noticed something amazing, under all my additions and an towers and turrets, was a little hut, as my cement crumbled, the vines grew to protect the part of me that I refused to face, And as my own pride and anger and guilt faded a light soft and pure spread through the vines, and engulfed my world.  The clouds parted, and I saw myself as God wanted me to, as his child.  And for the first time ever, I fell to my knees in his presence, but I didn't crawl I threw my arms out to God and held on tight.

I refuse to sink again.

-Crystal-

In The Darkness Comes the Love of God

There is a time when nothing seems right, and everything appears dark and blurry.  Life seems to be a grey toned existence, and light seems muted. Bright ideas and and music or conversions grate on every nerve that is left exposed.  It can be simple like your siblings noticing you got a promotion and praising you, or your parents saying that they are proud of you and your accomplishments.

Sometimes pain just is a phase, sometimes stress is a never ending battle thats when you realize you dont remember why you are stressed.  That is when you decide how to handle it, and sometimes the doctors wont listen to you, and they wont accept what is happening as out of the normal range of stress, but it somehow is.  You have never had to deal with it before in your life, and now you are expected to just know how to make it stop.  Little thing become so big there seems to be no way to push through them, and now you are lost and hopeless.  You now have some choices.... but you dont see them yet.

In this Anxiety that never seems to go away, you feel the need to never stop moving, and at the end you cant and you feel trapped, and you might might want to end it all... You probably dont know where to turn, you might despise yourself and anyone who loves you, but where does this get you?  Why are you here?  What is the bigger picture?  What is on the other side of all this pain, anger, guilt and hate?

Could it be love?
A love so big and terrifying that you are shrinking away from it?
An undeniable love?

Well I have had my fair share of pain and anger and guilt and hatred toward myself, but now I am sitting here looking at all of the pieces of my spirit, and personality that I have left behind, how humbled I am by the love people have shown me, and the support I have found in places I was afraid of....

The way my fear has panned out as just that: fear.  God never left me alone, and when I was scared he sat there and let me be afraid, he let me be in his presence, and heal As much as I was willing to, and I was scared of this freedom so true and pure.  I locked my heart away, but God had the only other key, and when he came into my heart I could not turn him away.

The key he used was a young man, who was able to gently remove the chains that I had lived with for so long, and coax my heart to trust bit by bit.  He never turned away, and I gave him reason more than enough times, but he never ever turned his back.  I did what I could to hold onto this Beautiful Key to my heart, but God had other plans, and another test for me.  My best friend and lover moved on in his life to a lover far greater than just me.  He went to serve his country, and in so doing he moved away, and it has been so hard on my heart, but let me tell you.... That phone call, and his voice takes those blurry grey shade and clears my sight and suddenly there is color and clarity and love, and without him, and God, I would not ever know what those color were.

God is so beautiful, and great!  God is Love, and the only true love of my life.
I know I am no angel... but for God My imperfections and sharp edges might be the key he has crafted to fit only a specific heart.  Maybe I am a rake to tend his garden, or a wind to spread his word... but whatever it is that I am.... I am for God.... Because when I only saw the darkness... There He was.